H-ll Bent
by Izora Jade
Summary: Tasuki and Heero think they have it perfect, except Duo is drowning in depression and Wufei is in love with Tasuki, Heero's boyfriend! But he doesn't know. Just as Tasuki doesn't know that once Heero saw Duo, he was hooked. Tasuki makes it worse by inviti


Hell Bent

-1- 

"Come on, Tasuki," Heero called as Tasuki hurried down the snow covered stairs to his car, climbing in. "Where do you want to go to eat tonight?" 

Tasuki sighed and smiled at his boyfriend. "Anywhere's fine." 

"You sure? Nothing you're craving?" 

"I was kinda hoping maybe we could go to the bar, but...." 

Heero smirked. "Sure." 

They'd been going steady for three months now and we're both pretty proud of themselves, and as far as they knew, in love. Tasuki was almost exactly what Heero had been looking for. They had a few discrepencies, but nothing major ever occurred and they thanked god for that. 

"You know what we have to do, Heero?" Tasuki asked as Heero slid in some Ani DiFranco. 

"What's that?" 

"Hook your friend and mine up on a double date sometime with us." 

"Who Wufei?" Heero laughed. "Yeah right. That guy studies twenty-four seven. Getting him to go on a date would be like getting the devil to dress up in a pink tutu and sing 'I'm a little tea pot'. It's not going to happen." 

Tasuki shrugged a little. "Sure? Cause I think Duo might like that." 

Heero had never met Tasuki's friend, but didn't really care that much. They'd meet eventually, but it was nothing seriously determental to their relationship. 

"Is he the one that works at the strip club?" 

"No, no. That's Nuriko and he doesn't work their anymore since he hooked up with Hotohori. Hoto-chan got jealous." 

Heero replied with, "well, I can't say I wouldn't get jealous.... Then which one's Duo?" 

"Duo's the one that plays gigs in the rock band. They're doing a Christmas Special at Rocko's in a week and I want you to come." 

"Oh?" 

"They're doing some awesome rock re-makes of classic Christmas songs. You've never heard them. They're really good. Duo has a fucking awesome voice." 

"Well, if it means a lot to you...." 

"It would mean the world to me if you'd go see them with me...." 

"I'll go." 

"Thanks Heero. You're the best," Tasuki replied, grabbing his hand and clutching it as they drove out of the college campus and to their favorite German bar in Bellefonte, which was about fifteen minutes away. 

"How were your classes today?" 

"What? Finals? It sucked, as expected. I think I passed, though." 

"That's good.... Hate to take a class over. You know I had to do that in high school once?" 

"Take a class over?" Tasuki asked, surprised. 

"Yeah. Science. I felt like a complete idiot. I was the only junior in a freashman class." 

"Awww. I'm sorry," Tasuki cooed childishly, smiling as he did so. 

"You can laugh. I should've cared more during highschool. I'm lucky to be in college at all." 

"I would've thought, with the way your studies are now, you would've been a perfect A student." 

"Yeah.... I wish. I had some pretty bad friends, being anti-social and all you don't make the best friends, and they were all into pot, so well, I was a pot head, too. All I did was get wasted." 

"Really?" Tasuki asked, surprise blunt in his voice. 

Heero nodded. "I don't really talk about it much anymore. I...I almost died a few times." 

"Let's talk about something else," Tasuki begged and Heero agreed easily, but they didn't know what to say next as 'Joyful Girl' played loudly out of the radio. 

"Well...." Tasuki finally murmured. "Um...." 

"How's your math teacher treating you?" Heero opened as they got into Bellefonte. 

"Mr. Greene? Man hates me I swear.... I did however prove I could do the algorithms today by correcting a mistake he made on the board and felt pretty damn proud of myself. He'll probably mark me down for something stupid, though, I wouldn't be surprised in the least. Bastard...." 

"If you can do the work, he has to give you some form of A. Especially if you can sue him for discrimination because you're gay...." Heero replied quietly. 

"Yeah...." Tasuki agreed as Heero parked along the side of the road, pulling out some coins and popping them in the meter as they walked into their bar. 

They ordered some beer and food and sat, talking quietly. 

"There's another reason I want Duo to go out with Wufei," Tasuki spoke quietly. 

"What's that?" 

"He's taking a recent break-up really hard. He doesn't think that he's going to be good enough for anyone since he wasn't good enough for Stev. He doesn't think anyone will want to date him ever again." 

"That can't be true." 

"Oh, of course not! Everyone loves Duo. He's so cool. He's just been really depressed in general and was recently recommended for 80mgs of Celixa. Just two months ago they thought he would be off in a month, and now he's uped his dosage for the third time in three weeks. I feel really sorry for him.... I mean, you've never met him, but he's such a sweet heart, I have no idea why Stev broke up with him. He sings like an angel, too. Maybe it's because he tries so hard to please everyone all the time? I don't know...." 

"You sound like you're in love with him." 

Tasuki glared at his boyfriend. "What? Because I think he's a sweet heart and he's cool? He is. I've known him for a long time now, Heero. He's really a great person. You just have to meet him and you just know it. He's very carasmatic. It's a shame that most of it's probably a façade." 

Heero traced circles on the table. He knew a lot about façades. 

-2- 

Duo flicked his cigarette ash to the ground as he walked around campus with Tasuki after class. 

"You still doing the gig?" 

" 'Course," he replied cynically. "It's not like I really have a choice." 

Tasuki almost flinched. 

"You really shouldn't let Stev affect you like this. He was kind of a bastard anyway." 

"What do you know, Tasuki? This is me...and Stev was everything." 

"I'm sure--" 

"You're so quick to say that anyone else would go out with me, but how come that Wufei guy won't, huh?" 

" 'Cause Heero never said anything about it to him," Tasuki replied, ruffled. "Heero and I *are* going to your gig and I want you to act somewhat acceptable before him, okay?" Tasuki finally cried in exhasperation. 

"Oh?" Duo rolled his eyes. "Now I have to change myself for your boyfriend?" 

"No, Duo," Tasuki replied. "You're changed now. I want you to act *normal*. It's really hard to have me talking up good about you and then have you act nothing like I say you do." 

"Oh? So you want me to be your little puppet now? 'Act this way Duo because that's what people expect and that's what I told them.' Uh, uh. No. I'm not doing any of that shit." 

"I'm not asking you to do that! I'm asking you.... Duo.... I want you to stop moping in self-pity and try to make yourself happy. Something's got to make you happy." 

Duo let the butt of his cigarette drop and brought out another and lit it, drawing deep on the niccotine. 

"Getting wasted makes me happy. I'll go get wasted." 

Tasuki stopped and smacked Duo as hard as he could across the face and Duo stood back, stunned, the red imprint of Tasuki's hand showing boldly on his face in the cold. 

"Don't mock me! You used to be a fun person, Duo! You can't let a simple break up ruin your life like this. That's bull shit. And don't you dare tell me getting wasted makes you happy because I know for a fact you get some damn bad hang overs and that too much weed makes you feel like you're going to die. You've got to do more than take things in for the momentary happiness. You've got to do it for the long term affect." 

"Stev was my permentant high. I need something to hold me up. It's like withdrawl, Tasuki. You ever been in withdrawl? Ain't fun." 

"I don't give a damn. Stevs come along everyday and pass just the same!" 

"What if Heero broke up with you? Would you be acting so calm then?" 

Tasuki folded his arms across his chest. "Of course because I will have remembered everything good we had." 

Duo snorted. "Sure, all I do is remember all the good Stev and I had. What in the hell do you think I do? That's all I can think about! Getting wasted gets that off my mind." 

"Yeah, and when your vomiting on the floor what do you think about? How wonderful you felt last night? Or how wonderful it was to be in Stev's arms as he helped you get through it? In the long run, which feels better, hmm? Getting wasted or just thinking about Stev as a good guy and wanting him back?" 

Duo growled and puffed on his cigarette for a few moments. 

He didn't answer, but continued to walk. 

Tasuki followed as he threw down the cigarette and walked into Momo Gifts, which was a little Asian store on campus. 

Tasuki watched through the window as he grabbed a few boxes of pocky and paid for them, getting out, opening them up and chowing them. 

"Besides Duo.... You could die.... Heero almost died getting wasted a few times...." 

Duo turned and gave him a glare with as much malice as he could manage. 

"Say one more fucking thing about Heero and I'll fucking deck you. I don't give a damn about him. Don't compare me to him. I don't need your fucking sympathy. I'm not him and I can't take care of myself, dammit--!" 

With that, he turned and stormed off to his car. 

Tasuki sighed and hugged himself a little, watching as Duo walked away. 

"Fine," he mummbled, angry. "When you die don't come running to me." 

Realizing what he just said didn't make him feel much better, so he resolved that he'd go call up Heero. 

-3- 

"Hey Wufei, what do you think I should get Tasuki for Christmas?" Heero asked with a lot of shame in his voice. 

Wufei sighed as Heero once again changed the subject of their studies to Tasuki. 

"Heero, you're asking *me*? Look, Heero, you're asking the guy that's in love with his textbooks. [1] Don't ask me, I've never had a boyfriend." 

Heero sighed and looked back at the problems. 

"Maybe I'll fuck him for Christmas." 

Wufei fell over. 

"I'm serious!" Heero replied. "Why not? Isn't that what most people do on holidays?" 

"I suppose, Heero," Wufei replied easily, not knowing what else to say. 

"I have to go to that concert with him Friday.... Oh well.... I don't really want to meet his friend...." 

"Why not?" 

"You know me, Wufei. I'm not a mingler." 

Wufei rolled his eyes. "You mingle better than I do." 

"Besides, I might not live up to his expectations." 

"So? Who cares?" 

"He's Tasuki's best friend." 

"I hope you don't have any expectations for me to live up to, because I'm sure I don't have any of them." 

"Don't worry Wufei. I don't make people expect anything from you." 

Actually, he tried not to talk too much about Wufei. He felt bad when he thought about it, but Wufei wasn't exactly the kind of person people liked. He didn't want to have to 'show him off' to anyone. 

-4- 

Duo dragged deep on the weed he smoked and laughed at the completely meaningless joke one of his friends told. 

This way he didn't have to think. 

He didn't have to think about his problems and his heartache and his pain. He didn't have to think about the scars on his arms. He didn't have to think about how many times he's failed. He didn't have to think about Tasuki or Stev.... 

He could be stupid and people wouldn't care. He had nothing to prove to anybody. 

"You know that girl.... Cin, I think her name is? Fucking hot...." Kris started as Jac sucked on his neck. 

"Yeah...." Ryck replied softly as he lifted a beer to his lips. 

"I fucking laid her last night...." 

"No!" Duo cried, laughing. "No way! Not little Miss Valadictorian!" 

"Yeah.... Still virgin too...." He stopped and groaned a little as Jac slid his hand up under his shirt and began playing with one of his nipples. "She came into the bar, almost proclaiming she needed a fuck. 'Pose she got bored of bein' virgin or something.... Still don't like girls that much, but one can't pass up an oppurtunity with someone like her...." 

Duo didn't know. He wasn't bi. Neither was Jac or Ryck, but Kris was always looking for a good lay. Him and Jac were supposed to be going together, but somehow it seemed like Kris never paid that much attention to the other.... 

But it wasn't Duo's business so he stayed out of it. 

"You're single now, aren't you Duo?" Ryck asked suddenly, turning to look at him and taking the joint out of his mouth, blowing smoke around the room. 

They were in the basement of the cheap house Jac bummed off his parents. He had to pay only about a quater of what it was worth a month, however his parents didn't know he was getting high in the bottom of it. 

"Yeah," Duo breathed, giggling a little out of what, he didn't know. He shouldn't have been laughing, but it seemed so funny.... 

Suddenly Ryck rolled over on top of him and began to kiss him, his lips moving egarly over Duo's, trying to get a response out of him as the other two spectators laughed. 

Duo was taken completely by surprised, but realized that a good lay might do him some good, and began to kiss back. 

Soon enough they were naked and tumbling across the floor, fucking like it was the end of the world tomorrow. 

-5- 

Duo woke up and tried to remember what he did last night, but all he felt was pain. 

He realized he was in his room and that his roommate, whom also happened to be Ryck, was out. 

He tried to glance at the clock and see what time it was, but the numbers were just a big red blur. 

He fell out of the bed and hit the floor hard before he began to cover the rug in vomit. 

The pain in his body was killing him as he crashed on the floor, sobbing pitifully. 

He realized he was laying halfway in his own vomit and he realized how nasty that was, but he couldn't do anything to move. 

He was completely, totally, and thoroghly wasted. 

Then he remembered *all* the events of last night. 

The idea that he had sex with Ryck made him want throw up again. 

First of all, Ryck was not a pretty man. He wasn't over weight or anything, he just wasn't attractive. He was very muscular, almost like a jock, but his face wasn't the most pleasant in the world. Second of all, he was his roommate--! Third of all, he was...Ryck. All he did was get wasted. 

Then it hit Duo that all *he* did was get wasted and he felt even worse. 

He finally realized he didn't have a meaning. He didn't have a purpose. 

He had nothing else to live for. 

So why did he have all these scars up his arms? 

Why didn't he just go all the way? 

He would've, if he'd have been able to get up. 

-6- 

The next time Duo awoke, he was clean, naked, and laying next to Ryck. 

"Aw fuck," he whispered, hoping he wasn't also fucked once more by Ryck. 

"Hey," Ryck smiled in the darkness, kissing his cheek. 

Duo tried not to be revolted, but it was hard not to when it was Ryck. 

"You weren't doing so good. I cleaned you up. You were never good with hang-overs, love." 

"Jesus Christ," Duo muttered, realizing that Ryck thought they were a couple after last night. 

Duo climbed weakly out of the bed to Ryck's confusion, and fell into his own. 

"Duo?" 

"Ryck, that was fucking, not love making. I don't love you," he told him bluntly, his face in the pillow. 

Ryck said nothing and Duo had no way to determine his expression. 

"I was high. I needed a good lay." 

"So...I was good then?" 

"Yes Ryck.... You were exactly what I needed." 

"I'm happy then," he replied, walking out of the room. 

Duo wasn't deaf. He heard the hurt in Ryck's voice. 

But he couldn't lie like that and pretend he loved Ryck. 

He couldn't do to Ryck what Stev did to him. 

-7- 

"I'm so happy!" Tasuki chirpped, his head on Heero's shoulder, as they crunched through the snow to Rocko's. 

Tasuki hoped Heero and Duo hit it off. Actually, he hoped Duo would talk to him. Especially with what he'd been planning for a month. 

This was a great feat for Tasuki. He couldn't plan his clothes for a week, let alone plan a surprise for a whole month. 

They walked in and found a seat near the back as Duo's band (formally known as the Floursent X) was about to start. 

"Heeey," Duo breathed into the mike. He looked fairly level and for that, Tasuki was glad. Maybe he'd be thinking, too. 

Heero was just overwhelmed by the man speaking into the mike, whom he took to be Tasuki's friend, the lead singer. He was so fucking hot.... He was slender, his huge purple eyes bright and framed by dark mascara and a thin line of purple liner. It rounded the bottom of his eyes and trailed in three lines down his cheeks a little. His lips were full and painted a lucious red, black outlining them perfectly. He wore a long sleeved, black silk shirt that was almost all the way unbuttoned, exposing his smooth, bare chest, and tucked into his tight black leather pants that frammed his crotch too nicely. He wore lace-up combat boots and fingerless gloves, frayed at the ends. His long, shinning honey-brown hair trailed down his back in a braid, warm green sprouts of holly twinned with it. Around his neck he also wore a wreath of holly, to get 'Floursent X', normally a pretty dark rock band, into the 'holiday spirit'. 

"Weeeelll, it's only a few days left 'til Christmas. I hope all you people are having a great time with your loved ones and will be spending this holiday happy and warm. 

"Tonight we have for you three sets. Our first set we're gonna play some rock takes to your favorite holiday songs. Second take will be some of our milder songs. Third we'll go back to holiday songs. Jus' ta let you know what our plans are.... 

"Yep. So enjoy your stay at Rocko's and we're Floursent X." 

Then the band started 'Chestnuts Roasting Over and Open Fire'. 

"Hey," Tasuki whispered into Heero's ear. "I'm gonna get us some beer. What do you want?" 

Heero shrugged. "Whatever you're getting," he spoke, trying to get his eyes off the sexy little number that was his boyfriend's best friend. 

Tasuki disappeared and Heero's eyes gazed over all of Duo's limbs, taking him in.... His lips moved and entranced him, supporting such a glourious, warm voice that reverberated through the room and his body, flowed from his mouth and washed over Heero, making him shiver with delight. Everytime his hips swayed, his fingers moved, his face relaxed.... 

Heero found his mind scrammbling as he realized he was having an erection to Tasuki's best friend. 

Tasuki giggled as he set the beer down next to Heero's hand and took a sip of his own. 

Actually, Tasuki was totally wiggin' because it was the first time Heero had, like, an actual erection around him. What did he do? Did he let him fuck him? Was three months too early? What if he wanted Heero too? What would he do?? Where would he put his hands??? 

"What's so funny?" Heero asked, picking up the beer without turning to look at him. 

Tasuki blushed furiously. He was trying to keep his eyes off of him! Was he that sexy? Oh...Heero cared so much.... He didn't want Tasuki to know he was having an erection.... 

"Oh...nothing.... Amused by my own thoughts." 

The next hour was total hell. 

Heero realized that he needed some relief in any way, shape or form and he was going to need it fast.... It hurt so much.... 

He glanced over at Tasuki, who met his eyes, amber sparkling with mirth. 

"Hey," he whispered, leaning over and brushing his lips over Heero's cheek. 

Heero completely fell apart with the physical contact. 

"Tasuki.... I...." he tried to get out, his throat constricting. He leaned over an began to kiss Tasuki full on the mouth, sucking on his soft lips and tangling his tongue. 

"Wait," Tasuki pulled away. Heero stopped and looked at him with such need and disappiontment that Tasuki felt fluttery inside and knew that he was ready because he wanted Heero too. He wanted Heero to be happy, and he wanted to give himself completely to the man of his affections. 

"Wait until the end of this set. I wanted you to meet Duo, but...." 

Heero nodded and let his face drift softly up Tasuki's neck, kissing it once before backing away. 

"Well, guess this is the end of our first set. One more song and we'll be back on in seven or eight minutes." 

With that the band began to play 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas'. 

Tasuki bit down on his lower lip and clutched at Heero's hand when he saw the tears in Duo's eyes as he sung, his voice wavering a little more than he would've liked and was praying it wouldn't crack. His eyes contained such a hurt and pained look that Tasuki's turned away his face when he glanced in their direction. 

Hopefully Duo would find some comfort in Wufei.... 

Contrary to what Heero believed, Tasuki didn't think that Wufei was all that bad, the few times they talked. He seemed kind of nice, shy, sweet.... If he wanted to be. He seemed almost as if he was afraid that love would hurt him and so he thought that Duo might be a perfect match. Duo couldn't be hurt by a man who was afraid love would hurt him. It would be flawless. 

When Duo's voice echoed through the room with the last chord, a tear slid down his face as he stared harshly down at the floor. 

He heard the clapping, but it didn't warm him. He couldn't smile. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Tasuki and Heero get up and exit quickly. 

They couldn't even stay to say 'hi'. 

Duo walked off the stage, an arm covering his eyes, and into a private bathroom as he began to sob. 

His entire body shook and he felt like he was falling apart. 

He grabbed for a ciggerate and managed to get it lit, drawing deep on it, coughing spastically, tasting the salt from his tears on his lips, smearing his make-up. 

-8- 

Tasuki giggled as Heero wrapped his legs around his hips and began to lick his neck, nipping it. 

Heero pinned him to the bed as he laughed, one of his hands snapping the buttons on his shirt and tearing it off. 

"I'll buy you another," Heero whispered as he began to lick up Tasuki's chest, sucking on his nipples and stroking his chest. 

Tasuki began to moan as his hands dug into Heero's hair, pulling him down on him, hips jerking up against his chest. 

Heero smirked and looked up at the radiant face, brown hair spilling across the blankets, full red lips panting, violet eyes closed, eyebrows raised in need. 

"Fuck," Heero whispered, stopping and shaking his head. 

Tasuki's amber eyes flashed back at him, concern in them. 

"Are you--" 

Heero wrapped his hand about Tasuki and squeezed. 

From Tasuki's lips came a scream of lust and Heero was relieved. He couldn't have any questions asked.... He shouldn't have seen Duo. He loved Tasuki. 

Smirking, he lowered his mouth to Tasuki's cock and relaxed his mouth. Gently he began to suck as Tasuki pushed on his head, his hips thrusting up into his mouth. Tears streamed down his cheeks with his need and finally released inside Heero's mouth. 

Heero drank it down like wine and went back for more as he began to ravage the full red lips of his purple-eyed beauty. 

As he tried to run his hands down his long, long brown hair, his hand fell out too easily and he realized once more that it was Tasuki. 

Before he could think twice about his sudden flash of Duo, he turned Tasuki over and dipped his fingers in lub and let them trail into his body. 

A low groan gave from Tasuki's mouth and he dug his hands into the pillow. Heero climbed over him and hugged his waist tight to him, sucking his neck and digging deep into Tasuki's body. Once more Tasuki came all over the bed as Heero hit his G spot and Heero released inside of him, moaning his name and just making it out before they collapsed in one another's arms. 

Heero kissed his face softly. 

"I love you...." Tasuki whispered to him, clinging tightly to his body. 

"I love you, too...." Heero whispered back. 

And he *did* love Tasuki. Tasuki was the best thing that ever happened to him. Tasuki was his everything. His joy. 

So why did he see Duo when they had sex? 

-9- 

Tasuki stood at the mirror, lightly brushing on his mascara. 

Heero walked in and wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed his cheek and he laughed, snapping shut the compact and turning around in his arms, kissing him back. 

He sighed and let his head rest against Heero's warm, strong chest. 

"Heero...." It was the right time. He was going to 'give' him his Christmas present. 

"Hmm?" 

"I--" 

Then the phone rang. 

Tasuki cussed, but told him to hang on as he jumped over the bed and grabbed it. 

"Hey! Shun'u residence," Tasuki chirped into the phone. 

"Hey Tasuki," the voice came over the other line and Tasuki recognized it to be Hotohori's. 

"Hey Hotohori. What's wrong?" Tasuki asked, concerned. 

"Duo had a nervous break down last night. He's in the hospital right now." 

"Oh my god--!" Tasuki cried. "You're not serious!" 

"I am. Tamahome and I found him in the bathroom when he didn't show up for the second set. We thought he was dead. There was so much blood...." 

"Holy fuck.... Jesus Christ.... Bye, Hoto!" Tasuki cried, grabbing Heero's arm and dragging him into the car. 

"Whoa, whoa! Not so fast! What's going on?" Heero asked as Tasuki started up the car. 

"We're going to see Duo. Hotohori said he had a nervous break down. Said they found him in the bathroom on the floor. He's in the hospital. We're going down to see him. I'm...I'm scared for him...." 

Heero rested a hand on Tasuki's shoulder, trying to comfort him when he saw the tears in his eyes. 

"We might fight, but...but he's my best friend.... I'm afraid he overdosed...." Tasuki admited. 

"Hey...it's okay.... We're gonna see what happened when we got down to the hospital. Maybe it was just a nervous breakdown. He didn't seem high to me." 

Tasuki breathed slowly as he made his way down to the hospital, trying to stay in control. 

He parked, filled the parking meter, and walked in with Heero. 

Walking up to the counter, Heero took command. 

"We'd like to see a patient under the name of Duo Maxwell," he spoke, having heard Duo's name enough to know it. 

The secertary clicked the name into her computer and dialed a number into a phone. 

She conversed softly with someone for a moment then smiled at them. 

"Sure. One moment." 

They waited for a few minutes and someone came to ascort them up to Duo's room. 

"Try not to stay too long. He needs some rest." 

"What's wrong with him?" Tasuki asked the doctor. 

"Oh, nothing too serious. He had a nervous breakdown. We're kind of hesitant to send anyone in there, however, because we're afraid it will set him off again." 

Tasuki nodded thoughtfully. "He didn't overdose or anything? He's okay?" 

"No, he wasn't on drugs. We tested. We're going to try and prescribe him some anti-despersants. He cries a lot." 

Tasuki nodded slowly. "He's already on them." 

"How many mgs and of what, do you know?" 

"Celixa, 80 mgs," Tasuki replied, as if in a dream. 

"Maybe the dosage should be uped?" 

"They just put him on 80 a day or two ago...." 

"Oh? Well, we'll see." The doctor nodded. "Be careful with him." 

Tasuki nodded back as they walked in. 

He lay in a completely white bed, a window looking out over the campus. A vase of fake flowers sat on a little table. His back faced them and he stared out the window. The sheets seemed to drown his thin form, his braid hanging limply down the side of the bed. 

"Duo...." Tasuki whispered. 

Duo didn't answer, he just lifted his hand for a moment. 

"Duo...are you okay? Hotohori told me about what happened...." 

"Why do you care?" Duo asked softly, accusation in his voice. "You couldn't say 'hi' to me, yet you now worry? I didn't care that you didn't stick around for the entire concert, I could've gotten over that, but you immediately left.... You ignored me, now you care?" 

Tasuki's eyes grew wide and he gasped, realizing that was what it looked like. He also realized he couldn't exactly tell Duo that Heero wanted to fuck him. That would just upset him more. 

But what else could he say? 

Tasuki walked over to him as Heero stood in the background, deciding to stay out of this one. 

"Duo, what happened? I...I didn't mean to.... I.... I wasn't thinking about it, Duo.... The reason is kind of private as to why we left so suddenly.... I think you can guess...." Tasuki blushed. "I'm sorry.... I really didn't mean to ever hurt you. I just...." 

"People never know how much they mean to someone.... They never know how much they can hurt someone.... You hurt me." 

"And the people you love the most are the people you hurt the most," Tasuki replied optimistically, smiling softly. "Duo.... Um.... How would you like to come out to a cabin mountain for Christmas with me and Wufei and Heero? That was going to be my Christmas present to all of you.... I might as well ask now, so I'm fully prepared to be turned down." 

Duo said nothing. 

Tasuki chewed on his lower lip and backed slowly away from the bed. 

"Okay Duo. Um.... I'll see you around." 

He turned to the door before Duo spoke. 

"Just because I'll accept, doesn't mean I'm okay." 

Tasuki spun around and stared at Duo, who still hadn't turned to him. 

"Duo...." 

"When will it be?" 

"I'll.... From the twenty second to the twenty seventh. I'd pick you up around nine on the twenty second and we'd leave around nine on the twenty seventh." 

Duo nodded slowly. "That's fine." 

Suddenly he turned over to look at them and Tasuki tried not to look like he was in that much shock, though he was paralyzed with it. 

His entire neck was covered in ragged scabs that started back behind his hair, covered by it. 

Then something came over Tasuki as his eyes filled up once more with water. He walked over to Duo and wrapped his arms around his best friend, hugging him close to his body, rocking him back and forth and kissing his cheek. 

"You're so beautiful...." he whispered. "Don't destroy yourself." 

Duo sat like stone, frozen. 

Tasuki kissed his forehead before murmuring his farewell and leaving him reluctantly. 

Duo stared at the door and lifted his shaking hands to his neck, feeling the cuts there as tears trickled down his eyes. 

_Screaming he brought his hands back, grabbing at his neck, trying to rip it open. _

_ He was such a fuck up. He only deserved to die. He didn't love, no one cared about him, what was there left? He wasn't going to become famous for anything, the only thing he had left was to be accepted and loved. _

_ He didn't have that. _

_ He had nothing. _

_ Tasuki hadn't even bothered with a 'hi'. He acted like he cared, and Duo thought, that when they got right down to it, they were best friends. _

_ Blood splashed on the sink and mirror and Duo stopped suddenly, staring at the blood-splattered mirror and letting his hand touch it. _

_ Red.... So warm.... His life.... _

_ Gently his fingertips smeared it. _

_ God was he ugly. _

_ Black smeared his face, mixing with tears. No one wanted to be around someone who cried as much as he did. _

_ He crashed upon his knees, falling hard on the tile as he coughed and vomited up blood. _

_ Blood.... It covered his hands, his body, the floor.... _

_ He couldn't feel it.... He couldn't feel any pain. His body was completely numb. _

_ Weakly he tried to lift his hands back to his neck, trying to slash it more. _

_ He was so close.... _

_ It was almost over. _

Duo figured he must've passed out then. 

Unfortunatly, he woke up. 

His hands wrapped around his body, clutching himself, hugging himself deserately as his body convulsed with sobbs. 

There was nothing more he could do. 

He felt even more fucked up than before. 

-10- 

Tasuki was highly upset and was crying all evening, so Heero stayed and comforted him that night. 

He had to admit, the idea that someone would be so suicidal they'd go as far to rip off their skin *was* distrubing, especially if it was your best friend. 

But that certainly didn't make him any less beautiful. 

Heero hugged Tasuki close to him as they drifted off into sleep. [2] 

-11- 

Wufei looked into the mirror and growled at his reflection. 

There truly was no justice in the world. 

For an entire year he was crushing on Tasuki. Ever since he met him. 

For longer Heero was talking about how he thought feminine men were the hottest and how he loved their personalities and to make them squeal and sigh and how they got themselves all decked up in make-up and jewelry. 

Was Tasuki feminine? Nooo. 

Wufei didn't like feminine men. He hated women. He liked less recessive men who tried to dominate him and gave him an argument. He liked to feel muscle and feel powerful when he got on top. 

He liked Tasuki. 

But nooooooo. Heero was going out with Tasuki. 

Of course, he never told Heero he had a crush on Tasuki. That would've been humiliating. He wasn't allowed to have crushes. He was supposed to be obsessed with studying. 

Maybe no one had expectations of him, but he had expectations of himself and he thought people had the same. 

Wufei growled once more at the mirror. 

Well, at least Tasuki was talking to him. 

"Sure, he talks to me, but Christmas is sure to be hell. I'm going to have to be into this really femmy guy and watch Heero and Tasuki make out at the same time." 

Wufei gave himself a look that could kill someone. 

"You are pathetic. First of all, you are in love. That is weak. Second of all, you can't even face your love. That is even worse." 

He smashed his fist into the mirror, but it didn't even crack. 

"Weakling," he hissed as he left, wipping away the single tear that fell down his cheek before he walked out the door. [3] 

-12- 

Duo stared at his two suitcases and packed up guitar and grabbed for another ciggerate. 

Ryck watched him from the bed. 

"Duo...." 

Duo looked up and tried not to glare. 

"What?" 

"I'm going to miss you on Christmas...." 

"Just go get a whore. I'm sure they'll be a lot better than me, anyway," Duo replied. 

"I wasn't talking about sex." 

Duo rolled his eyes. "What are you talking about then?" 

"Nevermind Duo.... I guess maybe you don't understand." 

The other snorted. "What else is there but sex?" 

"Have you ever been in love, Duo?" 

Duo stopped and stared at Ryck. 

"Yes." 

"Then shouldn't you know that there's more to love than sex?" 

"That's what I used to think," Duo replied, thinking to himself, 'but I was wrong....' 

There came a knock on the dorm room door and Duo was relieved to escape Ryck's persistant questioning and opened it. 

Tasuki looked over his best friend, deciding that he shouldn't give him a hug. He was wearing a turtle neck to cover his scabs and a black bomber jacket with his signature fingerless gloves and loose jeans. He had a suitcase and a bag which he slung over his shoulder, smashing his ciggerate butt in the ash tray. 

"Hey Ryck," Tasuki greeted softly as he sat up. 

"Hey," he replied, watching saddly as Duo picked up his suitcase. "Want me to--" 

"I can get it myself," Duo snapped at him, turning to Tasuki. 

"Come on," Tasuki spoke, feeling uncomfortable in the situation and walking out. 

Duo didn't say goodbye to his roommate, just shut the door. 

"Why are you being so mean to him?" Tasuki asked quietly as they walked to his car. 

Duo's eyebrows furrowed. "I'm not being mean to him. I'm being cold. I don't want him fawning all over me. I'm don't want him to get the idea that I would ever return his love." 

"Oh...." Tasuki answered quietly. "I see. Duo.... It...it would be okay for you to have a little fun on this trip. Besides, have you ever seen Wufei? He's kind of cute." 

"You have a boyfriend. You shouldn't be checking out other men." 

"Oh, come off it," Tasuki smiled. "I wouldn't ever cheat on him. Um, Duo.... I really am sorry about Friday...." 

Duo sighed. "It's in the past." 

"Yes, but the thing was.... It was the first time Heero ever had an erection around me.... It was.... I didn't know what to do. I wanted you to meet him before now, but.... I.... I'm really sorry." 

"I don't care anymore," Duo lied through his teeth. "I understand. It's all in the past between us." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Fine. Totally fine. Positive." 

Tasuki sighed with relief. "Okay...." He walked to the back of his jeep and opened up the trunk, where Duo threw his suitcase and guitar. The bag he took with him into the back seat. 

"Hey everyone," Tasuki announced as he climbed into the passanger side. "This is Duo. Duo, this is Heero in the front up here, and Wufei." 

Duo managed to turn to Wufei and smile and say the words "nice to meet you." 

Wufei managed the same. 

Duo glanced at the book in his lap. Which happened to be a math textbook. 

He looked at his body. He was okay, Duo guessed, but was much too black and white for him. 

However, though he knew it was wrong, he found Tasuki's boyfriend *much* more attractive. 

Yet he knew this was a death wish for several reasons and set in his mind that he was going to try and stay away from this man. 

Heero glanced back at Duo and saw him to be even more beautiful than before. Then trained his thoughts back in line when he felt Tasuki's hand over his as they pulled out onto the road. 

They slid in some classical music, for Wufei, and Duo immediately pulled out his CD player and popped in a mix of different rock artists. 

Tasuki began to snicker as after a while of mouthing the words, Duo began to sing aloud. Totally oblivious to the fact that everyone was listening and to the fact that he was indeed singing aloud. 

Just the sound of his voice made Heero shiver and he tried to keep himself from imagining him screaming his name. That was wrong on much too many levels. 

But he did lean over and click off the radio. 

"Why'd you do that?" Wufei asked, tapping his fingers against his cheek angrily. 

"Duo is good enough," Heero replied, which was true. Any song he sung was perfectly in tune and it wasn't hard to imagine you were listening to the actual thing. 

Wufei sighed and knew it was going to be a long six days.... 

-13- 

Duo took off his head phones a few hours later and looked over at all of them. 

"Hey, when are we gonna eat?" 

Tasuki smirked. "Next exit Duo. Don't worry." 

Duo paused. "You guys aren't listening to anything?" 

"No, we were listening to you," Wufei replied, looking at Duo. 

Immediately a blush spread across his face and he lift his hands to cover it. 

"I was singing aloud?" 

"Yes," Tasuki replied, smiling wider now. 

"Oh my gosh.... That's embarrassing.... How come you didn't shut me up?" 

"Heero likes your voice. He turned off the radio because you were good enough," Tasuki replied, looking back at his best friend. 

Duo glanced up in the rear view mirror to look at the other man, and found that their eyes met, for Heero was looking back at him in the mirror. 

Both turned their eyes quickly away, to their respective tasks. 

Yet Duo felt himself blushing even harder. 

Heero's eyes made him feel fluttery inside. 

-14- 

It was their second resturant experience of the day, that night at dinner. They were still a half an hour away from the lodge, but there wasn't that much in the lodge and so they were stopping for dinner so they could get there, unpack, and go to sleep. 

The first resturant they went to was a McDonalds. The only good thing that can be said about that was that they got back on the road only five minutes after planned time, which they made up easily. 

Wufei refused to eat anything because it was all "processed cow entrails" as he put it and they fought for a few minutes and managed to get him to order fries and a Coke. They put mayonase on Tasuki's chicken sandwich, which he could not stand, so he was made to wait in line once again to get another one after having a five minute argument with Heero saying he was going to pay for the second one himself. Heero was annoyed because they were out of Spirte, which meant he had to settle for Coke, but that he got over easily enough. Duo was the only one which was completely content. He ordered a Big Mac with everything on it because "whether it was processed cow entrails or not, it still tasted damn fine" to him. 

This time they opted for a sit down resturant. Wufei was most cheerful about this. He even gave a honest attempt to get to know Duo. 

"So, um, what classes are you taking next semester?" Wufei asked, the only thing he could think of to say. 

"Phsycology two, Art four, Literature two, and a math class of some sort." 

"I take it you're not fond of math." 

"No." 

"Well, um," that killed Wufei's 'plan of attack'. 

"What sort of art are you into?" Heero asked, sipping ice tea. 

"Mostly I do abstract." Duo pulled a photo album out of his messenger bag, flipped to a picture, and handed it to Heero. "That's my best yet." 

Heero stared at the photo. The piece of art consisted of a huge piece of blank canvas. From the middle came a piece of clear tubing with black funnel attached to the other end. 

Suddenly it dawned on Heero what he was trying to say. 

"What is it?" Wufei asked, leaning over to look at the artwork. 

"He's telling the veiwer to make up their own mind about what the painting looks like." He turned to Duo, staring him straight in the eyes. "Right?" 

Duo stared back. "Correct." 

"I don't get it," Wufei sighed sitting back as Heero continued to flip through the book. 

"The funnel is like a black hole sucking you're ideas onto the canvas," Tasuki explained. 

"I still don't get it," Wufei replied. 

"You need to expand your mind. Not everything is black and white as you think it is," Duo told him. 

"Well, I'll have you know--" Wufei made to defend himself, but was interrupted by the waiters bringing food. 

Duo smiled sweetly and thanked the waitress as she set his pasta before him. 

-15- 

Duo managed to fit his sheets on the bed and flopped down onto it. 

All that time in a car was just unbearable.... 

There was a light knock on his door. 

"Which one of you is it?" 

"It's me," came Tasuki's voice. 

"Well, I know it's you, but which one of you?" 

"Tasuki." 

"Sure, come in," Duo agreed smiling at himself from where his face was in the pillow. 

Tasuki opened and shut the door softly behind him, standing at the doorway nervously. 

Duo sat up and faced him. "Come on over here. Don't be so damn shy. We've known each other forever. I'm not going to rape you or anything." 

Tasuki cracked a smile and walked over, sitting down next to Duo. 

"Duo.... I just want to know that you really wanted to do this." 

"Well, I'm here, aren't I?" 

Tasuki looked at the beding. Zebra stripped. 

"You don't have to fall in love with Wufei. I just wanted you to meet someone. Don't feel obligated to like him or anything. Try to have fun." 

"Trust me, I'm not going to try to love anyone for a long while," Duo answered, looking at his hands where they rested in his lap. 

"Okay.... Well, then.... I just wanted you to know that I wasn't expecting anything of you." 

With that, Tasuki stood and walked to the door. 

"Tasuki." Duo called. 

"Yeah?" he returned, turning back around. 

"How was your first time?" 

It took Tasuki a second to comprehend what he was saying and a splendid blush danced over his face. 

"Duo!" 

"I'm just curious. Was is sweet? Or hard? Hmm?" 

"Oh, Duo.... I can definitly see why you were so into it.... Heero's so...intoxicating, you know? Everything about him.... He gave me exactly what I needed. Nice and hard...." Tasuki shivered. "He held me and told me he loved me. What is much better than that?" 

Tasuki saw the long look in Duo's eyes and made to turn away again with a soft 'good-night', but once more Duo called his name. 

"Yes Duo?" he asked, turning back around. 

Duo stood and was messing with the alarm clock, his back facing him. 

"Thank you." 

Tasuki allowed himself a small smile as he walked out. 

Duo slipped the two blades perfectly into the back of the alarm clock, where the batteries went. That way, if one of them ever felt like coming into his room, they'd never find them. 

He threw the shirt over his head and the grey knit feel like a dead pigion to the floor. Pulling the string from his hair, he let it fall in waves down his back before walking into the bathroom. 

Duo stared at himself. 

The scars on his neck. 

_ The blood.... It splashed across the reflection of himself like the black of his mascara splashed across his hidious face.... The blood.... So warm and fresh and new.... All his life was splashed upon that mirror. _

_ He lifted his hands to touch it and-- _

His hands met cold glass as once more stared at the clean reflection of himself. 

Yet through the mirror he could still see the gashs on his neck and the slits up and down his wrists. And if he wanted to venture farther he knew that up and down his calves he would also find scars. 

He knew that it wasn't a normal thing to do, most people didn't, but he couldn't help it. He just got so mad at himself sometimes.... 

He needed it.... To see himself bleed.... 

-16- 

Heero woke that morning and glared at the clock. 

Seven. 

Growling, he realized he had morning wood. 

"Aw fuck," he whispered, climbing out of the bed. Tasuki murmured a little in his sleep and reached out for him. Heero sighed and kissed Tasuki's forhead. "I'll be back," he whispered and made to walk to the shower. 

But walking down the hall he stopped and almost fell over. 

Duo sat on the couch in tiny little sports shorts and a tank top, eating a bag of chips and watching pictures flash across the TV screen without sound. 

Heero barely noticed the scars on his body and just took in him. 

"Aw fuck," he whispered for the second time that morning and grabbed at himself before slipping into the bathroom, shutting the door quietly. 

He turned on the shower, which would cover his whimpers. 

He backed up against the wall and began to masturbate. Something he hadn't done in a looong time. 

But Duo was soo fucking sexy.... 

Little did Heero know, Duo was pressing his ear to the bathroom door. 

"Oh my...." he whispered to himself, turning away and blushing. "Is he not having sex with Tasuki? Or is he so turned on by him...? He just wants to be curtious and not make me and Wu-idiot suffer...." Duo lifted his hand to his face and felt that it was wet. "Tasuki's so lucky...." 

Duo stummbled to his room, crying. 

"Tasuki's so lucky.... Why am I crying?" He fell down upon his bed, sobbing. "Why am I crying?! I should be so happy for my friend...! He has such a wonderful boyfriend! Why am I crying?!" 

Heero stepped out of the shower, still panting from his excursions, and grabbed a towel, drying himself off, shaking out his hair. 

Would this happen every morning? 

He hoped not. It *was* embarrassing.... 

He wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out, glancing at the couch, which no longer contained Duo's body, but just the chips. 

Suddenly, from his right, he heard whimpers of...sorrow? 

Walking over he did as Duo did to him and pressed his ear to the door. 

He was right. Duo was crying. 

Softly he rapped on the door, not really understanding what compelled him to do such a deed and staring at his hand in disbelief. 

"What?" he cried, doing a good job of masking his tears. "It's seven twenty in the morning!" 

"Are you okay?" 

Duo was thouoghly shocked to hear Heero's voice asking if he was okay, of all things. 

"Never been better!" he replied, sneering. 

"Liar." 

"I have too! Even if I *did* have a problem, it's none of *your* business!" 

"Even when we're spending the next five days together? I think I have some right to know if you're okay or not." 

Duo walked over and swung open the door. 

"Do I look fucking okay to you?" he hissed, one hand on his hip, the other holding open the door, a cigarette in his mouth, tears staining his cheeks. All the scars stood out, obvious on his pale skin. "I'm a picture of self-abuse and torture." 

He shut the door in Heero's face, once more settling down on the bed. 

Heero walked into his bedroom, grabbed some sweat pants, threw them on, then walked back over to Duo's room and opened the door, shuting it behind him. 

Duo sat up, gasping and choking on smoke. 

Heero grabbed the cigarette from his mouth as he coughed, smashing it in the nearby ashtray. 

"Stop that. It's not good for you." 

"What in the fuck are you doing in here?!" he cried. 

"Where are you keeping your blades?" 

"What?" 

"Where are you keeping them?" 

Duo sneered, realizing he was cornered. "I'm not going to tell *you* so you can go run off and tell Tasuki, prissy-ass," Duo spat and Heero whapped him upside the head. 

"Idiot. Do you really think I'd tell Tasuki? If he doesn't already know, which I doubt he doesn't, I wouldn't want to worry him any further." 

"I'm still not going to tell you. You'd take them away from me." 

"You're right. I *will*." 

"Why do you even give a damn and what good would it do? I could get more." 

"I care because no one needs that and call me a stupid asshole out just to make you suffer, but even if it's only for a few days, not cutting is better than doing it." 

Duo growled. "What do you know?" 

Heero whapped him again. "Doesn't Tasuki tell you anything? I used to be a street-crawler. I know almost every illegal drug on the market and I've tried most of them, too. You must know I was a cutter once. I'm not *stupid*. I know what all of that does to you." Heero smirked. "I also know the best hiding places." 

With that, he reached over and snapped open the battery compartment to the alarm clock and slid out two blades. 

"I suppose I'll be taking these now...." 

"Don't you dare, you bastard!" Duo cried, grabbing at his arm. Heero just held them above his head and began to walk to the bathroom. Duo clung to him the entire time, trying to get him to stop, but Heero was marginally stronger than him and dragged him with him to the bathroom, throwing the thin blades into the toliet and flushing them down. 

"You asshole! You fucking bastard! How could you do this?! You said you understood!" 

"Yes, I understand. But I don't think it's right." 

Duo collapsed upon the floor, glaring up at him angrily. 

"I hate you! I hate you!" he cried repeatedly, pounding his fist against the ground. 

Heero picked him up and brought him back into his room and threw his kicking and pounding form onto the bed. 

"Asshole. You're as fucking frusterating as you are hot...." Heero growled. 

That stopped all complaint from Duo as he stared up at Heero, who clampped his mouth shut. 

"What...did you...say?" 

"I said you were an asshole. A frusterating asshole," Heero replied coldly before turning and walking out of the door. 

Duo just stared. 

Heero walked back in and lay back down next to Tasuki, who immediately clung to him in his sleep. 

He wrapped an arm around the man's waist and hugged him to his chest, kissing his head. 

"I love *you*, Tasuki.... I love *you*.... No one else but you...." Heero repeated, making it sound true. 

He *did* love Tasuki. He really *did*. He hated Duo. He was annoying, frusterating, a nuisence. So, he was hot? But he wasn't Tasuki.... 

And he loved *Tasuki*! 

-17- 

Duo had cooked pancakes that morning, which surprised everyone. He was washing the plates as they sat, sipping cocca. 

"I guess the next bullet on the agenda is to get a Christmas tree," Tasuki spoke, dropping more tiny marshmellows into the cup. "I suppose I'll rent one from--" 

"What?!" Duo screeched, dropping what he was doing, turning around to glare at Tasuki, hands on hips. "You'll *what*?!" 

"I said I'd rent one--" Tasuki tried to squeek out. 

"No you won't! Rent a Christmas tree? That's the most bull shit I've *ever* heard! Rent a Christmas tree.... That's not Christmas!" Duo cried in outrage. "Christmas is going out and searching for hours for the perfect tree, taking longer to cut it down, dragging it home only to find it won't stand straight, struggling for hours until you get it right, having it almost fall down decorating it, and then staring up at it and knowing you did a good job! *That's* Christmas! Not renting a plastic tree from some shop who doesn't give a damn and is just trying to make money! Damn.... Don't you know anything?" 

Everyone just kind of...blinked. 

"Do none of you know anything?" Duo sighed and went back to washing the dishes. "For being the least Christmas-spirited, I'm ashamed of all of you. I guess I'll just have to teach you how to have a *real* Christmas.... Rent-a-tree? Sheesh.... I've never heard of such a thing.... Rent-a-tree? I just don't get it...." he muttered to himself as Tasuki smiled, trying not to laugh. 

Heero stared at the braided man, brows knitted in thought. What was his motivation? Why did he do what he did? What did he care about Christmas...? A Christmas tree...? He barely cared about his own life, yet he cares so much about this one thing...? 

-18- 

Duo led the three of them into a huge grove of pine trees. 

Supposedly any tree on the property you could cut down for your own, or at least that's what it said in the brochure. 

He stopped and looked over to where the others were trugging along behind him. 

The sun was shinning, he thanked god for that. The snow was thick on the ground and hard to get through. The air was crisp and clean and it almost made Duo want to 'live' again. 

Almost. 

"Aye.... There's so many!" Tasuki cried, clasping his hands under his chin, eyes wide and shinning with wonder. "How do we know which one is the right one?" 

"Aw, you'll know," Duo replied, as Tasuki began 'running' through to find one, Duo called to him "make sure the branches aren't too far apart and that it will fit in the room!" 

Heero shook his head, attempting to keep an amused smile off his face. 

Wufei sighed and began to trudge after him. 

"And what's your plan, Mr. Yuy?" Duo asked, turning and glaring at him as they were left alone. 

"Plan?" 

"Yeah. Don't think I didn't hear you this morning. I heard you say I was hot." 

"So? I think you're sexy. Do you have a problem with that?" Heero spat, not liking the turn this conversation was taking. 

"Yes. You should be devoted to Tasuki." 

Heero snickered. "Am I not? I'm devoted to him. I love him, Duo. Just because I think you're sexy doesn't mean I love you." 

Duo burned with embarrassment. 

"I didn't suggest that you did!" 

"You didn't? It sounded like you were going to get me in trouble with him." 

"Oh? And I still could, if I really wanted to. I wouldn't consult you first. I could say that you kissed me out here and why wouldn't he believe me?" Duo threatened. 

"Because I would never kiss you. I bet anything he'd believe me over you." 

"Don't pass your realms, Heero. I've known him much longer than you have and I never once lied to him. Love doesn't outweigh integrety." 

Heero growled. 

"You're just jealous anyway." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Duo replied sharply. 

"You're jealous because no one wants to hold you." 

Duo's eyes flared with anger and he charged Heero, slapping him roughly across the face, red standing out brillantly where his hand had connected with his cheek, stinging tears forming in Duo's eyes. 

"How dare you--!" Duo cried. 

Heero grabbed his hand as he made to once more hit him. 

They stood, frozen for one moment in time, staring at each other, angry eyes screaming harsh words from their depths. 

Finally, Heero's brows softened. "This is stupid," he breathed, bringing Duo in and tilting his chin up, letting a small kiss whisper across his lips. 

Tears spilled over Duo's cheeks as he fell on weak legs into the snow beneath him. 

"Wha...." he whispered, lifting his hands to his face to cover it's shame. 

It had felt so good to be kissed so carefully.... 

And it shouldn't have felt that way! He shouldn't have felt the momentary bliss he did! He should've been angry, upset! 

But...he wasn't.... 

"There. Now you'll have something to tell Tasuki," Heero spoke before walking away to find the other two members of their party, axe in hand. 

"No...." Duo hissed. "No.... You won't fall for it again!" 

-19- 

There was tinsel and orniments and lights strewn around the room, which Tasuki had brought with him for these purposes. Heero had made popcorn and several bowls were laying around, open Coke cans sitting near as they worked on trimming the tree. 

Wufei and Tasuki announced that they would put on the lights, being as Heero and Duo were trying to match hooks up to bulbs. 

Duo was constantly turning away from Heero and ignoring him, but it was so hard when he was so close.... 

But he was Tasuki's boyfriend and that kiss was a joke! If it was anything else, it was wrong! 

Wufei stood behind Tasuki, showing him how to position the lights and how far to space them, trying not to get too thrilled by being so close to the object of his affection. 

He could reach out and stroke his cheek, if he wanted. Plant a kiss right there.... 

But there was no honor in that. Kissing another man's terroritory was forbidden. Stupid. Dishonorable. 

So he would contain himself. 

"You know what?" Duo asked, standing. "We're missing music." He dashed out and returned with a few CDs. Different Christmas collections of assorted famous singers. 

"Shitty stereo," he murmured to himself as he popped the CD into the system the cabin was equiped with. 

Cheerful Christmas music played from the speakers. 

"I never knew you had such a strong Christmas spirit," Tasuki cried, laughing as Wufei corrected him once again for his placement of the lights. 

"No," Duo muttered, "you never knew I cared...." 

Heero looked over at him, a silent question in his eyes. 

Why exactly *did* Duo care about Christmas? 

They decorated the tree with no huge arguments. Duo didn't join in most of the laughter, but no one expected him to. Wufei was genuinly having a good time being around Tasuki and with his best friend. When they weren't acting like lovers, it wasn't so bad. Tasuki was a little upset Duo was being so gloomy, but at least he wasn't dragging everyone else down and he didn't want to force happiness upon his friend. He said he wouldn't force him to do anything, and that he ment. Besides, what good would it be for him to have another break down? Heero wished Tasuki and Wufei would go away so he could've taught Duo how to be happy and stood behind him, let their hands twin together, lift them to the tree and help him place on the orniments, kissing his cheek and having him smile. Heero realized he never really did see Duo smile. Really smile. As the after affect of just being happy. 

He wanted to give Duo that, but knew he couldn't. 

He wanted to learn all of Duo's secrects. 

"Now that, that's Christmas," Duo complimented, nodding his head toward the tree, which was shinning and sparkling brightly in the room, surrounded by a gargantuan mess of papers, pine needles, boxes, and popcorn. "Isn't it better than any damn rent-a-tree?" 

Tasuki giggled and nodded, dashing over and wrapping his arms around Heero's waist. 

Both Duo and Wufei looked away, out of respect and disgust and anger. 

Then, simulatianiously, they began to clean up the room. 

"We should help them," Heero whispered, his hand cuped around Tasuki's cheek after a kiss. 

That one kiss scared the hell out of him. 

He was beginning to lose it. He was beginning to lose the love and passion that was locked inside each one of their kisses. 

He was scared that just brushing his lips over Duo's had contained more passion than a full kiss on Tasuki's mouth. 

-20- 

"What do you think death is going to be like?" Heero asked as they lounged around the living room, listening to jazz. Heero and Duo were the only two really engaged in any sort of conversation. Wufei was trying to ignore Tasuki who was stretched across Heero's chest and kissing his neck softly. Heero tried to get his hand to brush through Tasuki's hair, but it was so hard when he kept imagining it was Duo's. 

"Like a blanket that will envelop you in it's warm folds...." Duo replied, blowing smoke to the ceiling. At least none of them, well, besides Wufei, cared all that much that he smoked. 

"Oh? I thought it would be kind of like drowning...." Heero answered. "You know you're sinking and there's nothing you can do about it...." 

"Why try to run from something you can't avoid?" Duo asked. "Embrace it; it will make things much easier." 

"And if someone came up to you tomorrow and told you that they were going to deck you, you wouldn't fight back?" 

"Why bother? Anyone who says they're going to deck me must be a lot stronger than I am, since most everyone is, and I might as well save my strength for recouperation." Duo smashed the cigarette between his fingers, dropped it in the ash tray, pulled out another one, placed it between his lips, and lit it. 

"What if they killed you because you didn't fight back?" 

"All the better for me. I wouldn't have to deal with the recouperation or any fucking doctors." 

"You don't value life at all?" 

"Not particularly." 

"Neither did I." 

"You seem like you care," Duo muttered, glaring as Tasuki shifted and stroked Heero's neck lightly. 

"I said 'did'." 

"And what changed your mind? What is there to live for?" 

"What you want." 

"And if you don't want anything?" 

"Then maybe you deserve to die." 

"Oh. You value life yet you say people deserve to die?" 

"If you have no respect for it yourself, then what are you living for? Maybe that is your only purpose. It's not that you 'deserve', persay, to die, however if you feel that you have no purpose, then you truly have no purpose. If it doesn't matter to you, than why should it matter to me?" Heero answered. 

Duo thought about this as he puffed on his cigarette. 

"Are you saying that I should die?" he finally asked. 

"Are you?" 

"Everything should be justified. If your death is going to be justified, then by all means, go for it," Wufei suddenly spoke and Duo's eyes shifted to where the Chinese man was resting on the floor, reading one of his multiple text books. 

"How do you justify the fact that mothers die during childbirth?" 

Wufei didn't look up from his book when Duo asked him the question, he simply replied "if that was what was needed to bring a child into the world, then that was what was needed." 

"What if the child is a complete fuck up and the mother's life was a waste?" Duo continued. 

"No one is a complete fuck up. Somewhere they must mean something to someone and just that may have all the justification that is needed." 

"It must be nice to live in your perfect, justified world, Wufei," Duo snorted, smashing the worn down cigarette between his fingers, reaching for another. "However maybe it's not a world at all. Maybe it's a dream." He lit it and slipped it into his mouth. 

"Am I a man dreaming I'm a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming I'm a man...?" Wufei quoted softly. 

"True," Heero agreed. "This could be our dream and our dreams could be our lives. How do you know it's not?" 

"Because we dream about different things every day. We can not be handed off like that," Duo replied. 

"Yes.... That's possible. However, how do you know that anything you can't see exists?" Heero challenged once more. "How do you know that behind the door there isn't a huge black void until your eyes show you it's not? How do you know I'm there when you can't see me?" 

"You don't." 

Heero paused with Duo's answer. 

"For all we know," Duo continued, "this could all be a story I've woven together. You, Tasuki, Wufei.... You could all be part of my little mental mind game. I could be part of yours." 

"That seems much too complicated for the human mind. To have so many varying opinions," Wufei said. 

"A large portion of the human mind isn't even used, as far as we know. Maybe it's being used and we just don't know we're using it. Maybe that's the portion that's showing us this is all real and we're hiding it all from ourselves," Heero retorted. 

"What do you mean?" Wufei asked. 

"Maybe the portion of our brain we aren't using to our knowledge, is not letting it be discovered. It's making it so that in the world we created for ourselves, we do not know about it." 

"That is quite possible," Duo mused. 

"You guys think about things that hurt one's brains," Tasuki spoke up, sliding up so that his face rested comfortably against Heero's, snuggling against him. 

"It's not *that* complicated," Heero told him, having a hard time doing anything sweet. Wishing that he could go over and hold Duo and make him smile and sigh with content. He'd never seen Duo do any of the above the entire day and he was dying to know what he'd look like. 

Not that it mattered much. He knew he'd just look even more adorable.... 

"Well, maybe for someone smart." 

Heero didn't feel like argueing right then. He truly didn't care. It seemed pointless. 

They were quiet. 

When Duo finished that cigarette he smashed it and stood, announcing that he was going to bed. 

He walked into his room and shut the door, sheding himself of his clothing and falling into the bed, tears staining his cheeks. 

Why did he feel so alone? 

He just didn't know.... 

He wished Heero hadn't of taken away his blades. That wasn't very nice of him at all. 

But it didn't matter if it were nice or not. Duo knew in the end he'd forgive him because whether or not he wanted to admit it, it was becoming obvious that he was being to envy Tasuki Heero. *He* wanted to be the one to be sprawled across him and licking his neck. *He* wanted to be the one Heero held. *He* wanted to get more sweet kisses.... 

Oh, it was wrong, wrong, wrong he knew this was true, to want your best friend's boyfriend in such a way, but he wanted Heero to lay him down and fuck him hard. Just fuck the hell out of him. He wanted to fuck silly with him for days. 

Yes, and he knew this was completely ridiculose, but every boy had a little dream, didn't they? This was his. 

Heero just seemed so strong and protective, so unlike anyone he'd ever been with before. The kind of person that would hold you and protect you from everything. That wanted too. 

He knew he didn't deserve anyone of any worth and that Tasuki deserved Heero and hundred million times more than he, but jealousy was a wicked little demon that had found it's way into his heart. And now that it was there, it was getting right cozy and making itself a nice little home. 

Yet he cried. 

He'd almost given up caring if anyone could hear him or not. 

What did it matter? 

Heero knew more than he wished he did about him. 

He was the only one he was out to impress. Why bother any more? 

Contrary to Wufei's beliefs, life wasn't justified, and why should he find any more justification in sucking up his tears than stealing his mother's life? 

There was no justification for that sin he had commited. 

-21- 

The next morning was lazy. No one gave a damn. 

They were watching the news when they saw there was a blizzard warning for their area. 

Being as it was only a warning and nothing to serious, Tasuki still planned on going into town and buying some food and such for their Christmas dinner. 

So at around eleven, he announced that he was leaving and taking Wufei with him. 

"Why me?" Wufei asked, caught off guard. 

"I have to talk to you. Don't worry, Heero, it's nothing serious," Tasuki smiled, leaning up and kissing his cheek. "I'll be back soon." 

And so Tasuki and the confused Wufei left, leaving the even more confused Heero and Duo alone. [4] 

The cabin was silent for a good long while. 

However, Duo got bored of the silence mighty quickly and went into the bed room, grabbing his accoustic guitar and sitting down in the living room. 

He tuned it up and Heero stood in the hallway, watching him as he began to strum his fingers across the strings, warming up his voice by humming the notes. 

He was so beautiful when he looked at ease.... 

He began to strum various tunes and chords, looking for the right ones. 

"Cause I'm...." he started, strumming the notes with it and testing how it sounded. 

Heero still watched from the corner, realizing that he was actually going to write a song. Heero had no idea how to go about such a thing and wondered if it was truly as easy as Duo made it look. 

"Cause I'm trapped up here.... No...no...." Duo muttered to himself, then strummed the strings again and sung the line, pausing and making it sound better. 

"Cause I'm trapped up here, livin' in my own private hell. I'm hiddin' up here, thrivin' in my own little cell--!" His voice hit a high note and carried through the room. He giggled afterward, just messing around, and sat, deep in thought. 

"Cause I'm trapped up here, livin' in my own private hell. I'm hiddin' up here, thrivin' in my own little cell and you say I must be crazy." He strummed and hummed a wordless melody. "Yeah you say I must be insane...." Once more he hummed. "Maybe you're right." 

This he repeated a few times before getting fed up. 

"Something is missing," he growled to himself, strumming the chours again. "Something's missing...." 

"Maybe you should put words where you hum," Heero suggested, coming out from behind the shadows. 

"Like...?" Duo asked, genuinly interested in his ideas. 

"I don't know. I'm not very good with anything creative," Heero admited, sitting down on a couch. 

"So? No one's perfect. What's your idea and I'll see what I can do." 

"Well, um... Where you have 'and you say I must be crazy' and then hum, well, why don't you say something to the affect of 'but it was not my choice'. The same with the other humming part. 'You say I must be insane, but I don't really care, 'cause maybe you're right.' That kind of thing." 

Duo gave him a very small smile. 

"That could work." 

Meanwhile.... 

"So is there any specific reason you decided to take me rather than Heero?" Wufei asked after several intense minutes of silence in the car. 

"I was wondering what you thought of Duo," Tasuki spoke and Wufei was afraid that was going to be the question. 

"I'm never going to fall in love with him. He's too different for my expectations. Plus he has no concern about health at all. He has no concern about anything. It's unsettleing." 

"Well, that's good. I don't think Duo's all that fond of you either...." Tasuki sighed, staring at the road. "Maybe I should've seen it from the beginning and not have dragged you two out here...." 

"Don't feel guilty about it. You couldn't have known." 

"You two are soo different.... I just thought that maybe you'd be able to help him a little.... I know that's stupid. I know you can't really help anyone who's too depressed, but he's my best friend and I love him and I'm concerned for him. I don't like it...." 

"I understand what you are trying to do. You're not a bad person, Tasuki. I just can't love him. It was okay to try." 

Tasuki stared at the road and pondered this. What Wufei said was true, yet strange. He sounded like he cared.... He never sounded like he cared about anyone individually when speaking aloud to anyone else.... 

"Maybe...but I still feel bad about it. You could be spending your Christmas doing something fun, instead you're stuck with us." 

"What does that mean? First of all, fun isn't really something I care all that much about, as long as I'm not in pain. How could I be in pain? I'm with two of the only friends I've got. You and Heero. How could I spend Christmas any better?" 

Wufei's words were slowly beginning to convince Tasuki maybe his deed wasn't as evil as he thought it was.... 

Somehow Wufei always did that to him. 

Back in the cabin.... 

Heero took note of the fact that it began snowing very violently and in the back of his mind cataloged the fact that Tasuki and Wufei might have trouble getting to the town. 

But it was shoved to the back of his mind because Duo took up the rest of it. 

He watched as his fingers strummed over the strings, playing song after song and perfecting them. Each one so sad, so true.... So beautiful.... 

"I'm sorry," Duo suddenly apologized, as if snapping out of a phase. "I know I'm probably annoy--" 

"No, no!" Heero cried on impulse, not wanting to lose what he had just gained. "Please continue. I love every breath." 

Duo was growing eccedingly nervous now that he realized Heero had been watching him so intensely. 

Heero stood and sat down next to him on the floor. 

"Play something." 

Duo's fingers tightened up. 

"What?" he squeeked. 

"I don't care. Play anything. Just don't let the music stop...." 

Duo quickly strumed a little OMC with the line "crack up the Beach Boys baby, don't let the music stop." 

Heero laughed and leaned in closer. 

So close.... 

Duo's heart sped up and he felt faint, on an adreniline high. 

Almost instinctively he began to strum a Jump Little Children song, singing softly. 

"Body parts are nice, I can close my eyes, think about your lips, they tremble to the--dammit," he cursed under his breath, stopping sharply, the notes jarring. 

"I liked that song," Heero whispered before carefully placing a kiss on the side of his neck, right under his jaw, sucking at it gently. 

'HOLY FUCK--!!!' Duo's mind screamed at him. 'HE'S FUCKING KISSING YOU--!!! THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY--!!! THIS IS WRONG--!!! WHAT IF HE TRIES TO RAPE YOU?!?! STOP IT, DUO--!!! DON'T ENJOY THIS--!!!' 

"No...." he whispered, trying to push Heero away. But his hand connected with his chest and wrapped around his shirt and instead of pushing him away, he clung to it like a child. 

"My god...." he whispered. "Looking into your eyes is like looking into the ocean of tranquility...." 

With those words, everything snapped and felt right and he begged to be held by him and if their mouths shall met, let them stay that way for an enternity. 

Duo pressed his lips up against Heero's, who didn't take it as any surprise, and pinned him to the floor, playing his mouth as one might play a fiddle, passionately, throwing his heart into the ballads of their need. [5] 

Heero moved his mouth away, leaving Duo panting on the floor. He looked up at the other, once more into his lust induced eyes and felt the same emotion rising within him. In one swoop he had grabbed his neck and was pushing him into another kiss. 

Finally it dawned on him just what he was doing. 

"Aw fuck," he spoke into Heero's mouth, pushing away from the other man and rolling out from under him. 

Heero sat up and looked at Duo as he stood, questions in his eyes. Was Duo not enjoying himself? 

"I can't be doing this. Not here, not now, not with you, and not with anyone," Duo spoke, brushing his hands through his hair nervously. 

"Well I'm glad it's not just me," Heero muttered, a little hurt. 

"Why do you even have to come in and screw up my life anymore?" Duo asked, more of a whisper to himself. 

"I.... My orginal intent was to help you...." 

"Oh, so you feel sorry for me too?!" Duo cried, turning around and glaring down on the other man with such intense wrath that Heero thought he might look away. "Why in holy fuck does everyone feel so goddamn sorry for me?! Don't feel sorry for me! Feel sorry for me and I get hurt! No one loves me, they all lie because 'they feel sorry for me'! I'd rather you dig a hole and put me in my fucking grave than pretend you all love me because you 'feel sorry for me'! You might as well! It would be a lot less painless!" 

"I--" 

"Don't start on you're 'I was just trying to help, don't you want me to help' gag because I don't want your help nor do I need your help! I don't want help, I want love! I need no fucking 'help'! If I needed help I'd ask you for your goddamn help! I don't need it! I need love! I need someone to support me and hold me and tell me I'm beautiful! And don't you dare go and tell me that you really do love me, because you love Tasuki and that's stupid! Besides, I'm not beautiful and I'm not love worthy! If you had all these scars on your body and in your heart, no one would love you either...! 

"Don't turn into another Stev!" 

With that, Duo stormed into his room and slammed the door. 

Heero winced and felt like giving up. 

He would never win Duo's affections like this. 

As a matter of fact, he'd probably never win Duo's affections at all.... 

Well, maybe he could make up for it somehow. What he was making up for, he wasn't quite sure, but he figured he'd best do something. 

So he started to cook a little dinner. 

Murmuring to himself he wondered if Tasuki and Wufei would make it back tonight or if they were going to have to resort to a hotel. It was storming so hard that one could hardly see out side. 

"Guess they really weren't shitting us when they said there could be a blizzard...." he muttered. "I hope they're at least okay...." 

-22- 

Tasuki had pulled the Jeep over long ago and they realized they weren't going anywhere for a while. Luckily they had already visited the town. They were foolish when they thought they'd make it back, but it was too late to turn back now. 

"This really bites serious ass," Tasuki muttered as he put down the seat in the back as some sort of bed. 

"It's a good thing we ate in town, though I suppose tomorrow we're going to have our Christmas dinner cold," Wufei muttered solemly. 

Tasuki sighed. He wouldn't be with Heero for Christmas.... 

He lay down and stared up at the top of the Jeep. 

"Wufei...?" 

"Huh?" Wufei asked. 

"Come back here with me." 

Wufei cocked his head in Tasuki direction in surprise. 

"Sure." 

He slid into the back and sat down on the now bed-like seats. 

"Lay down, idiot." 

Wufei did as told and Tasuki grabbed his arm. 

"I hope we're not stuck here too long...." he whispered, yawning. 

"I hope the car doesn't over heat running the heat like this," was Wufei's logical thought of doom. 

"I don't think it will. Not with all the snow to cool it off...." 

Wufei wasn't so sure, but didn't want to scare the tired beauty laying beside him. 

"I know.... Foolish me.... It'll be fine...." Wufei was possessed with the strangely overwhelming urge to brush his bangs back and kiss his cheek, but as before, there was no justification in that. It was wrong for much too many reasons and he would never dare do something to that affect. 

-23- 

Softly Heero knocked on Duo's door. 

"Why don't you barge on in? You seem to do it enough anyway!" Duo cried. 

"Well, today I feel like being polite. May I come in?" Heero asked, voice strained with kindness. 

"Oh what the fuck does it matter?" he growled and Heero turned the door, opening it slowly. 

Duo was curled up in a little ball, smoking, rocking back and forth patheticly, tears on his cheeks, a large amount of cigarette butts in the tray. 

"Come on," Heero urged, standing in the doorway. "I made dinner." 

"Who cares?" 

"I do." 

"I don't." 

"Maybe you should." 

"Maybe you should stay the fuck out of my business." 

"Maybe you don't care because you don't tell anyone what's on you're mind." 

"Maybe I have no one to tell." 

"Maybe you don't realize there's one person who'd be honored to be able to help you." 

"Maybe you don't realize how much you sound like a fucking shrink." He smashed the cigarette butt and pulled out another. "I hate shrinks." 

"I hate a lot of things too, but that doesn't mean I won't try it." 

"I've been to shrinks. They don't know fuck." 

"I didn't mean shrinks. I meant talking to people. Believing them." 

"Why? All it does is get you hurt...." he whispered. 

"Come on. Eat with me," Heero asked after a few silent moments. 

"No. You remind me too much of Stev." 

"I thought you loved Stev." 

"Until I found out he lied to me this entire time! He never loved me! He felt sorry for me!" 

Heero was quiet. "I'm...sorry." 

"It doesn't matter. All it did was show me something I knew since I was three years old. I'm a sinner and I don't deserve to be loved. No one who steals away their mother's life, is abandoned by their father, and is ignored by their foster family deserves love. If none of those people could love me as a child, what could I possibly have gained to deserve love now?" 

Heero walked forward and lifted his chin, brushing at his tears. 

"A child-like innocence that makes you adorable, a body people see and want to fuck, an interesting view of the world, knowledge that is more valueable than you can understand, a voice like an angel, and lips like the sun," Heero replied softly. "Now please, come eat something." 

Duo sneered, but put out his cigarette and stood. 

"If all that was a snare to get me to eat, I'm going to be upset." 

Heero smiled at him. "What do you think?" 

"I think you pity me and think you can help me. I think you're going to lie to me to try to make me feel better. I think I'm going to fall in love with you and then commit suicide. I think that the world is fucked up." 

"Is that all?" Heero asked, rasing an eyebrow as he began to set food on the table. "And is that what you really think?" 

"Yes," Duo replied. "I also think that people shouldn't lie. I think that marjuna should be legal. I think that country music should be illegal. And I think that this food doesn't look as bad as it smells." 

Heero glared, but cracked a small smile to let him know he was joking as he whapped him in the back of the head. 

"Ow," he growled, rubbing his head. "You're so violent." 

"Not really. Just a little playful." 

Duo rolled his eyes as he picked up his fork and stabbed up a few vegetables. 

"You? Playful?" 

"You don't know me as well as you think you do. I'm very playful, to people I love...." He added the latter more softly than the rest. 

"You just don't let up, do you?" Duo snarled. 

"Why do you think I don't love you?" 

"Oh? Now that's a stupid question. First of all, it's obvious you love Tasuki. Second of all, why cheat on someone as sweet as him for someone as fucked up as me? Third of all, you just met me. Fourth of all, I'm a hidious person and even if you did have a small crush on me, it wouldn't matter because you'd hate me after you learned enough. Fifth of all, I'm not who you think I am around the people I love. I'm very different so even if you somehow loved me this way, you'd hate me once you discovered the real me." 

Heero shook his head. 

"First, how is it obvious I love Tasuki? Second, you're not as fucked up as you think you are and Tasuki.... Well, why do people cheat at all? Third, there is such thing as love at first sight.... Besides, I feel I know enough of you to make a good decision. Fouth, I don't think there is a thing you could tell me that would make me turn away from someone as inwardly beautiful as you. Fifth, I don't know. All I want is to see you smile and know you're truly happy." 

Duo turned his eyes away as they watered and chewed on his food. 

They ate in silence for a while. 

It was Duo who spoke first after that. 

"I've killed people." 

Heero said nothing and so Duo continued. 

"I stole my mother's life when I was born. I went to a rave and killed two people. Knocked them over the heads with chairs and smashed their heads in." 

Heero once more refrained from speaking or showing any reaction what so ever, and so Duo once more continued. 

"I was pissed off. They were picking on one of my friends. Broke his arm and were threatening to kill him. I exterminated the threat." 

Heero said nothing. 

This weirded out Duo. 

Never before had someone reacted so negitivly to something he said. 

"I was almost raped, too. On more than one occasion. Stuck their fingers inside me." He shuddered to himself. "The scars on my neck.... I tried to rip myself apart. I don't want to live. There's nothing to live for. What is life? I'm convinced God's tourturing all of us with this foolish notion of life. There's nothing good about it. I have nothing I want, nothing to live for, and I never will." 

Duo just began to snowball, spilling words and stories from his mouth as tears slipped down his cheeks. Heero hadn't looked at him strange once. Nothing he said scared him, made him want to turn away. He felt he could say anything and Heero wouldn't turn from him. 

This was what he was looking for his entire life and here is was sitting before him. 

He kept going and going. 

An endless stream of feelings and stories and emotions he had locked away so long he almost forgot they were there. 

How the bullies made him do their homework, how he joined porn mailing lists when he was thirteen, how he wanted someone to fuck him so baddly sometimes, needed it, how the boys in school would tug at his hair and call him 'fag boy' and 'lame ass' and 'fairy princess', how he had taped himself having sex with a girl in school just to show to the other boys and prove he wasn't gay when he was meerly sixteen, how he played with make-up for the first time and it was the first time he felt beautiful, how Tasuki had betrayed him repeatedly, how he cross-dressed and went into a bar and seduced men for fun, how one of his bosses cornered him in a room just to fuck him then fired him on account of personal relations with staff members, how he still slept with a teddy bear at night, sometimes, just to keep his sanity, how he rocked back and forth when he was lonely and talked to the walls for some form of comfort, how he made up a world of his own imaginary people when he was thirteen to keep from screaming, how one of his boyfriends beat him so badly he vowed to never love again, then fell in love with Stev, how he went mad in a record store and smashed up several thousand dollars worth of CDs, spent five weeks in jail, how he filed for bancrupcy twice, how much he hated the popular boys, how his only dream was to have a big house and a nice car and someone who wanted to come home to him every night and to their big bed in which they would rest together for all eternity. 

Everything that made him cry, all his dirty little thoughts, all his envies, all his pain, all the reasons he could never make it and all the reasons he wished he could. 

And afterward he had drawn his knees up to his chest, just sobbing softly into them, rocking back and forth. 

Heero played with the remainder of what was left on his plate then looked up. 

"How do you do it?" 

Duo shook his head back and forth...back and forth.... 

"How did you go through so much pain and remain so beautiful?" he whispered. 

Duo couldn't even get words out. Couldn't think of any. He had killed himself with his speech. Totally collapsed with exhuastion. He couldn't think of anything to say. 

Heero stood and washed the dishes. 

"I don't know.... I don't know if you love me. However, everything you said to me only made me respect you more. If I had gone through all of that, I wouldn't be living right now." 

"I wish I weren't. God hates me," Duo finally replied, voice hoarse from his previous speech. "Every time I try to kill myself, something stands in the way." 

"Maybe He wanted us to meet." 

"I don't believe God exists." 

"Neither do I, but if you believe God hates you, why can't I believe He wanted us to meet?" 

Duo didn't answer. 

Heero dried his hands and walked into the living room, flicking off the main lights and turning on a small lamp, clicking on the news and turning it down low, nothing but the glow of the TV, the Christmas tree, and the glow of a small lamp to light the room. 

Eventually Duo stood and walked over, hands on hips, and stared at Heero. 

"You can come over here, if you want." 

Duo took one step forward, hestiantly. 

"I'm not going to hurt you. Come sit down next to me." 

Once more Duo took a hesitant step. Then another. And another. And found himself sitting down next to Heero, ridgid as a board. 

Heero wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him a little closer. 

"Relax," he whispered. "I still love you." 

Then Duo completely fell apart and turned to him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and resting his head on his chest, a few tears snaking down his cheeks. 

Heero lifted him into his lap and kissed his lips lightly, hugging his thin waist. 

"You make is sound so sincere...." Duo whispered. 

"What? I love you? Possibly because I do...." He smiled and stroked his bangs. 

"You act so different around me...." 

"Of course.... That's because I love you. I feel most comfortable around you. I don't have to prove anything. I can show you who I am...." 

"How?" 

"How what?" 

"How can you hold me like this?" 

"Oh, it's not that hard. I just put my arms around you." 

Duo giggled through his tears. "I didn't mean like that." 

"You didn't?" 

"No, no. I meant how can you do it when you know what an ugly person I am?" 

"Because everyone is 'ugly', as you put it. Some people more so than others. I don't think that you are all that ugly. I think that your strife adds to your beauty." 

"Heero.... You're the kind of person that makes me want to kill myself...." 

"How...?" 

"Because I can fall in love so quickly and know you can't possibly return my affection...." 

"What did Stev do to you?" Heero whispered, kissing his temple. "How can I prove to you that I do love you?" 

Duo stood then. 

"By dumping Tasuki." 

With that, he walked away, knowing what he said was so bad of him.... 

But it was the truth. 

That was the only proof. 

Heero was left in shock. 

In his momentary bliss, he had forgotten all about his actual boyfriend. 

"Aw, dammit...." he growled. "I am going to have to dump him...." 

How could he do that to Tasuki...? 

-24- 

Heero awoke to find that Duo was no where in sight. 

He jumped out of bed and realized that the door was open and sat back down. 

"What's happening to me?" he whispered, resting his head in his hands. 

They had fallen asleep together. Duo was crying softly and refused to speak, so Heero lay down on him until he did. Well, Duo was determined and they fell asleep before he said anything. 

Heero threw on a robe and threw his hand back through his hair, rubbing at his eyes as he stummbled out of Duo's bedroom. 

"Good," Duo stated, looking up at him. "I made you hot chocolate. I was going to wake you up to drink it cause I don't like to cook when I don't have to." 

Heero smirked and slumped against Duo, giving him a good morning kiss. 

Duo's breath caught in his throat, even though Heero had morning breath. He thought that it was all a nice dream. 

Maybe he was still dreaming? 

Duo turned away and grabbed a bag of marshmellows, ripping it open as Heero sat down in the chair, picking up the cocca and attempting (foolishly) to drink it. 

"Someone got feastive...." Duo muttered, noticing that some of the marshmellows were dyed green and red. 

He threw a handful in and chewed on some thoughtfully. 

"Stev lied to me. I told him that I loved him. He felt sorry for me so he went out with me. After what I thought was the last relationship I'd ever have because we were going to get married and so on and so forth, he dumps me and says that he never loved me in the first place." 

Heero said nothing, just sipped at his hot chocolate. 

"Merry Christmas," he finally said, still in a snooze state. 

Duo smirked and threw a few more marshmellows in his mouth. 

"You asked. Last night." 

"Aren't you going to 'merry Christmas' me back?" 

Duo laughed. "You and I both know we're both athiests." 

"So?" 

"That's what I like about you. You don't say anything when you know I don't want you to, but I know you acknowledged me." 

Heero groaned. "It's too fuckin' early for this." 

Duo stood and opened a cabinet and grabbed two nuti-grain bars. 

"You know, these things don't taste so bad when you drown 'em with chocolate," Duo spoke thoughfully. 

"Nothing tastes like shit with chocolate...." 

Duo chowed the bars quickly. "I wonder when Tasuki and Wufei are getting back...." 

"Not soon," Heero replied easily. "The snow's like a fucking foot deep." 

"You cuss a lot in the morning." 

"That's cause I'm fuckin' tired and I don't give a flying fuck...dammit...." 

Duo giggled and leaned over and kissed Heero on the forehead. Heero replied by staring at the table, as he was for the past five minutes. 

Duo sighed and put his hands on his hips. 

"I bet I could give you a blow job and you wouldn't notice." 

"I'd like to see you give me a blow job and me not fucking notice...." 

Duo smiled and picked up his cocca, walking into the living room and lying down on the floor, looking up at the tree. 

Heero walked in and watched from the wall, awed by how adorable Duo looked as he lounged on the floor. 

"Come down here. I got you a gift. It's not anything big or anything, but I didn't know you and I was short on cash...." 

"Really? Me too...." Heero replied. "I got you something I was sure you'd like...." 

"I hope I'm right too." 

Heero drowned the rest of his chocolate and set the cup down, falling on the floor next to Duo. Duo leaned over him and grabbed his present and handing it to Heero as Heero returned the gesture. 

"Tasuki told me your taste in music. You have a great taste in music. I wish I had what I got you," Duo spoke, smiling as he unwrapped the CD. 

Heero smiled back at Duo. "You don't have to wish too hard." 

Duo peeled back the paper on his and found that Heero had gotten him the same CD. 

Duo giggled. "Thank you Heero." 

"No...." Heero replied. "Thank you...." Then they kissed, lips on lips, tasting the chocolate in each other's mouths. 

Duo leaned back and gazed down at Heero through half closed lids, lazy smile across his face. 

"Shit...." Heero whispered. "You're so fucking beautiful...." 

Then their lips locked one more, tongues dancing on one another, Heero rolling over on top of the other, pinning his hands to the carpet 

Duo lifted his knee slowly as he moaned and almost jumped when it pressed into Heero's erection. He was never expecting Heero to actually find him anything amazing. 

Stev never did. 

Heero stroked at his cheek gently as he sucked on the side of his face. The beauty Duo possessed overwhelmed him. He looked like a porclien doll, beautiful white face framed by locks of glourious brown hair.... Something to be treated with respect and love. 

Which is percisly what he would show Duo. 

"Heero...." he panted. "It's been so long since it's been love...." 

"All the better to do it sooner." 

Duo smirked as he slid the robe off Heero's shoulders. 

"My thought's exactly. Fuck me, Heero. Fuck me passionately." 

Heero slid the shirt off and let his fingers move slowly over the scabs on his neck. Duo grimaced and bit down on his lip, hoping Heero wouldn't stop touching him as he began to shake. If Heero left him.... 

Then his hands trailed down his chest and he licked his smooth chest, carressing his nipples with his tongue and teeth. 

Duo shuddered and gasped as Heero's fingers undid the button on his pants, winding down the zipper and sliding them off slowly, letting his fingers brush over every piece of Duo's legs he could touch. 

He felt his thighs quivering in his hands as he began to gently sprinkle kisses on the inside of his legs. 

"How...?" Duo panted as Heero began to envelope him slowly into his mouth. A little at a time.... 

He began to hum as he took in Duo entire. 

From deep in his throat Duo produced a very low moan and shivers ran up and down Heero's spine. Those lips.... So full.... So perfect.... Carrying his name.... Carrying love for him.... 

He moved his mouth away and Duo trembled as the cold hit him. 

Heero moved his mouth back up to Duo's hot lips, moans and shreiks hitting Heero's mouth as he placed his fingers inside Duo's body, feeling him out before gently entering. 

With one hand he tugged at Duo, pumping in rhythm as he entered in and out, slowly, firmly. The other held him up, tangled in Duo's braid. 

"Duo," he growled softly, not so much a growl as a purr. "I love you.... Dammit, it's so wrong, but I love you...!" 

Duo's sweaty hands locked on Heero's face, their eyes forced together, violet staring into blue staring into violet into blue into.... 

Tumbling over each other's hearts and each other's minds. Intoxicating them. Making them high. 

Both liked the feeling. 

"It's fine.... I love you...too...." Duo whispered and their mouths met as Heero landed the final stroke, exploding inside Duo's body and making him tremble all over inside and outside. Filled so deeply with Heero's love.... Covering Heero in his own.... 

Heero removed himself from Duo's body, letting his fingers trail in Duo's love and lifting his fingers to his mouth, sucking on them slowly, releshing in the taste.... The taste of love. 

Duo's eyes were filled with shameful tears as Heero collapsed next to him, one arm wrapped frimly about his waist. Duo turned over on his side and stared at his lover. Once more violet met blue.... And blue met violet.... 

With as much love as he could fill them with. 

"You're so sweet...." 

Heero was content as Duo nuzzeled his cheek against his neck. 

"I've never been fucked so sweetly before...." 

Heero stroked at his hair. 

"Yes, well.... I love you...." 

"I...I love you too, Heero.... Dammit.... I love you too...." 

-25- 

Well, the car had finally over heated. Tasuki and Wufei were pressed up against the side of the car, blankets wrapped firmly around each other, trying to stay warm. Which wasn't all that easy. Especially when they had near nothing to eat. 

It was becoming unbearable for Wufei to hold Tasuki like that. So close.... So very close.... It was so hard to keep his lips from carassing that shivering face.... 

He leaned in, their cheeks touching, and tried not to jump back. Tasuki's skin was so cold.... 

"Wufei...." 

"Hmm?" 

"I'm not going to spend Christmas with Heero, am I?" he whispered, so softly it was almost to the point where it was inaudiable. 

Wufei couldn't help it. A tear slowly trickled down his face. 

"I'm sorry...." 

"Am I?" 

"...no...." 

Tasuki's head fell in defeat. 

"Wufei.... I think I'm going to take a nap...now...." 

"No!" he hissed, holding Tasuki closer. "If you do that, you're body will succumb easier to the cold and...and you will...." 

"Die?" 

Wufei nodded. 

"Ah.... Well...I guess.... I'll try to stay awake then...." Tasuki giggled high pitched for a second. "I mean, if I'm going to die, I might as well see Heero once again, no?" 

Wufei nodded slowly. "You might as well see Heero once again.... So you better stay alive...if you want...if you want...." 

Wufei couldn't bring himself to say his best friend's name. 

"If I want to see Heero...." Tasuki finished. 

"That's right.... If you...." he faded. 

"Okay, Wufei.... I'll stay awake." 

Tasuki didn't know how much it truly ment to the other to hear him say those words. 

-26- 

Heero and Duo lounged on the bed. 

They had attempted a bath. Unfortunitly, being the foolish men they were, they attempted to take one together. 

You know where that went. 

When they entered their room, well, they never got dressed. 

"You know what, Heero?" Duo asked as he softly carrassed his chest. "I thought it might be fun for the whole world to just run around naked. No clothes or nothin'." 

Heero giggled. 

"Then I realized there were a few problems like that. First of all, what do you do if you find out that everyone is bigger than you?[6] Then, of course, if people like you were gonna be walkin' around all naked and stuff, what would people like me do? Just have erections all the time? Well, that would hardly do." 

Heero laughed a little more and stroked his sopped bangs. 

Oh, did I mention they had a little *too* much eggnog between the 'bath' and getting 'dressed'? 

Yeah, well, anyway, they kissed a little, completely oblivious to the fact that Tasuki and Wufei weren't coming back that day and might not ever be coming back. They figured they were at a hotel. Well, Heero sort of figured that Tasuki would've wanted to make it back and wouldn't have bought the hotel idea, but he was trying not to think about it. 

Duo was taking up all his concintration. 

He liked the fact that Duo was taking up all his concintration. 

"Hey Duo?" Heero asked, giggling once more. "When you talk to yourself, does yourself ever talk back?" 

"Nah...." Duo replied, laughing sillily. "I used to talk to myself, but then I got mad at myself. We don't talk anymore.[7]" 

"Ah. Just wonderin'.... Duo? How drunk do you think we are?" 

"Not too drunk.... Tipsy drunk. DUI drunk. Not jail drunk." 

"Jail drunk?" 

Duo smiled, nodding. "Jail drunk. You know, like, so drunk it's like totally fuckin' illegal and if you were ever caught, you'd like, have to go in the electric chair kinda drunk." 

"You can get that drunk?" 

Duo sighed and laid back, kicking his feet in the air blissfully. 

"Yeah. I've been that drunk. It's kinda fun!" 

"You didn't die?" 

"Nah! Immune, I say. Just sucks in the mornin' when you're soo friggin' sick ya can't fuckin' move." Duo giggled. "But of course, I've never been that drunk. I think you'd die before that. Get sick like that and you have ta be doin' other shit too." 

"Other shit?" 

"Marajuna, acid, ya know. That kinda thing." 

Heero nodded, reminsicing. "Yeah.... Gotcha. Where do you get that fuckin' much?" 

"Roommate." Duo's eyes glittered as he sat up and put a finger over his lips. "Shhhhh! Fuckin' illegal!" Then he pounced on Heero, tickling him. 

Heero grabbed his thin waist as he laughed and tried to stop Duo's mad attack. 

"I could have so much fun with you it'd be fuckin' illegal!" 

"Nah." 

"Yuhuh!" 

"I don't believe your shit!" 

"Could too!" 

"I'm not no fun!" 

"Yahuh!" Heero rolled him over and pinned him down. He leaned his head against his stomach and play-bit him with his teeth, charading a lion. 

Duo giggled and kicked, trying to yank lose from Heero's strong hold. 

Heero finally allowed him to be free, bouncing down on the bed next to him, resting his head in a hand, gazing on his beautiful body. 

"You're everything I've always wanted." 

"And we're fuckin' drunk!" Duo cried, grabbing his head and littering his face with kisses. 

Suddenly Heero grabbed him and pulled him soffocatingly close to his chest. 

"I love you...." he growled. "I love you! I'm never going to let you go!" 

Duo smiled against his chest. "I love you too. I never want you to let go...." 

-27- 

Wufei had just had wild passionate sex with Tasuki and they were resting together on the carseat. 

He stroked his hair lightly, kissing his cheeks. 

"You're so beautiful.... So undeniably beautiful...." 

Tasuki giggled and kissed him back. 

"You're so much sweeter than Heero.... However, the thing you don't realize, Wufei, is even though I love you, this will never work." 

"What?" Wufei cried. "Why not?" 

"I'm already carrying Heero's baby." 

Wufei woke up panting. 

Tasuki turned to look back at him from where he was sitting in the passanger seat. 

"Are you okay?" 

Wufei wipped the sweat from his brow. "Just fine.... Just a little nightmare...." 

"Oh? Well, the car is working again!" Tasuki cheered happily. 

They had spent the past three days together, it was only natural that Wufei would have a dream about them having sex. That was all he thought about. 

That and how lucky Heero was to be able to hold him and have Tasuki return his emotions. 

"Really?" Wufei asked happily, climbing to the passnager seat. 

"Uh, huh! We'll have to stop in the nearest town for some gas, but it's not on empty yet. We should make it back to the cabin by this evening." 

"I could kiss you," Wufei sighed. 

"Um.... I didn't make the car work...." 

"Yeah, but I could still kiss you, expect I'm not a happy, over-emotional, cheating kind of person.... Um, Tasuki, I have to ask you a question," Wufei asked quietly. 

"Shoot." 

"Are you really carrying Heero's baby?" 

-28- 

The past three days were eternal bliss for Heero and Duo. Though they were running low on food, they spent three days lounging in front of the fire, snuggling, kissing, holding each other, making promises, confessing secerts.... Well, all the secerts but that the only reason he ever had sex with Tasuki was because he was turned on by Duo. 

They sat on the couch, trying to make out while watching a Godzilla movie. 

"Dammit!" Duo finally cried and clicked it off. "The whole 'Motheria, please return our egg' thing was really getting on my nerves!" 

Heero smirked as he kissed Duo's cheek. "Sugar, the whole series is an insult to my heritage. I don't care if you turn it off." 

Duo smiled and kissed his lips softly. Heero kissed him back. They started to get more passionate before they heard the Jeep pulling up. 

"Holy shit!" Duo cried, jumping out of Heero's lap. 

"Duo!" Heero cried, grabbing his wrist. 

Duo's eyes teared up. "We shouldn't have done any of this!" 

"But I love you!" 

Duo began chewing on his lower lip. "Tell that to Tasuki!" he replied, breaking out of Heero's grasp and running into the bedroom, slamming the door. 

As the door opened, Heero turned around and gave the best smile he could manage, which looked kinda like if a piece of wood tried to smile. 

Tasuki cried happily, running up and throwing his arms around Heero. 

Heero couldn't hug him back. 

Tasuki immediately realized that something wasn't right. 

"Heero.... What's wrong? Where's Duo?" 

"He's in his bedroom, but Tasuki.... I have to tell you something...." 

"Heero...? Oh, god, tell me he's alive!" Tasuki begged, tears running down his cheeks. 

"He's still alive, it's just.... Me and him.... I love him, Tasuki." 

Tasuki totally froze. Every part of his body locked up and he stood stiff. 

"No...." 

"We.... I love him Tasuki.... I'm sorry. I wish--" 

"Bastard!" Tasuki screamed as rage over took him. "He wants to make me jealous! I'll kill him!" He ran into the bedroom, Heero coming after him, but locked the door and stood facing Duo. 

Heero began to pound on the door, but Tasuki didn't care. 

"Tasuki--!" Duo cried in surprise, standing. "I'm--" 

"Shut up!" he screamed, attacking Duo by punching him hard across the face. 

Duo's eyes went wide with shock and he took a step back. 

"Tasuki...?" he asked as he felt blood run down his lips. 

"You fucking bastard! You had to take the only thing I had from me, didn't you?! Because you're such a jealous bastard!" he shrieked, landing a blow hard on Duo's chest, stunning him once more as he fell against the wall. 

"No--!" 

"Asshole! I *love* him!" Tasuki screeched, but before he could land another hit, Duo punched up, into his soft stomach and Tasuki's mouth opened and closed as he tried to breath. 

Duo slunk into the corner, sobbing. "I love him Tasuki! I can't help it! I love him, I love him! I need him! I want him! He's everything I want and need and I love him! I can't let him go! I live for him! Please, Tasuki.... Don't be too mad.... Please.... Don't be too mad.... Please Tasuki.... Don't hate me.... Please.... I didn't mean to.... Don't be mad.... Don't be mad...." 

Wufei had managed to pry Heero away from the door. 

"What did you do?" he hissed. "How-how could you?" 

Heero sighed and looked at the floor. "I can't help it, Wufei. Do you think I want to break Tasuki's heart? Do you think I want to hurt him? Do you think I'm sadistic? No! If.... If I could've helped it, by all means I would, but I love him...." 

"You haven't even known him for more than a week or two!" 

"I know!" Heero cried, digging his hands into his hair in frusteration. "I don't know how I can love him so much in such a short amount of time, but I do.... I do...." 

Wufei sighed and stared at the ground. Although it did leave him open for Tasuki, it still was unjust of Heero to have done such an awful thing to innocent Tasuki. 

Suddenly, Heero slammed Wufei onto the ground and jumped at the door, trying to get it down. 

"Heero!" Wufei cried, wincing as he tried to get off the ground. 

Finally the door unlocked by Heero wrentching on it hard enough and it swung open. 

On first impulse he gathered Duo up into his arms, rocking him back and forth and kissing his forehead. 

Wufei, whom managed to get up and limp over, kicked Heero really hard in the back with his good leg. 

"Asshole!" he hissed, stumbling over and leaning down next to Tasuki, cradling his head as silent tears fell down his cheeks. 

-29- 

That night's sleeping arrangment wasn't fun. 

Heero and Duo had taken over Duo's room. Tasuki would've slept in his, but he felt lonely, so he ended up sleeping with Wufei. 

And this was all after a fun-filled few hours of packing! 

The next morning wasn't a walk in the park either. 

Tasuki pounded on the door. 

"We're leaving. Now," he spoke as Heero and Duo, who were totally uninformed, jumped out of bed and tried to get dressed and washed up in the next five seconds so as not to miss the ride home. 

Heero and Duo sat as far back as they could get, their hands twined nonchalantly together, both of them with worried expressions across their faces as Tasuki started up the car. 

Wufei sat in the front with Tasuki, talking softly to him, Tasuki completely blowing him off. 

The trip was dead silence. 

The few resturants they stopped at contained people sitting far away from each other and almost no talking from any of the parties. 

Finally, at the last sit down resturant before they were home, Heero and Duo excused themselves. 

"Bet they're gonna go fuck," Tasuki muttered pesimestically. 

Wufei had no idea how to answer. 

They found their way outside as Duo pulled out a cigarette and began to puff on it, wrapping his other arm around Heero's neck, resting his head on his chest. 

"I feel so awful...." he whispered as Heero wrapped his arms around his waist. "I know it's all my fault. If it wasn't for me being a bitch about Stev, Tasuki would've never invited me and then it would've just been you two.... Nothing would've happened...." 

"That's what you like to believe," Heero replied softly. "However, contrary to your beliefs, I would've searched you out and got to know you. As soon as I laid eyes on you, I knew I had to make you mine." 

Duo smirked. "You sound like a stalker." 

Heero kissed his forehead. "That doesn't turn you off, does it?" 

"No...." Duo replied, kissing Heero softly. "Not at all...." 

He flicked his cigarette away. 

"We should probably go back in...." 

"I don't want to face it, Heero...." Duo whispered. "I know it's all my fault and it hurts so much to see him glare at me.... He's my best friend.... I-I...." 

"Shh...." Heero murmured, kissing his cheek. "It'll be okay.... Soon. I promise." 

Slowly Duo pulled away. 

"I hope so...." 

Then they walked back in and sat down. 

"Sooo," Tasuki opened, gazing over at the two of them. "Have a nice fuck?" 

Heero practically choked on his soda and Duo dropped his glass, having it spill across the table and his lap. 

"What?" Duo whispered, in disbelief. 

"Oh? You don't understand? What I meant was did he do you up the ass in the bathroom stall?" 

"No!" Duo cried, his eyes tearing up. "Of-of course not!" 

"Tasuki...." Heero warned. 

"Aw? Did I find out the little secert?" Tasuki cooed in a mother-like voice. 

Heero pounded a fist into the table. "Do we have to go through verbal warfare? You can hate me all you want, but do you have to hurt other people who had no control over the situation and feel awful about it already?" 

"Don't tell me you had no control over the situation and don't tell me that slut didn't either!" 

"Well then you better cover your ears because that's *exactly* what I'm going to tell you! Because he didn't! If people could help falling in and out of love, then why don't you just get over it, Tasuki? How come you can't move on, huh?" 

Slowly one of Tasuki's own tears plunked down his cheek. 

"That's harsh...." he whispered. 

Heero didn't think that comment deserved to be acknowledged. 

The rest of the time back, they went back to not talking and were all dropped off at their respective loctains without a word. 

Wufei, however, was dropped off last, and tried to comfort Tasuki a little, failing miserably when he realized that Tasuki wouldn't even look at him. 

-30- 

"Hey, watcha doing, Duo?" Ryck asked as he started packing the next morning. "I thought you were supposed to be un-packing." 

Duo shook his head. "I'm moving in with my boyfriend." 

He never thought he'd see such a crushed face and even though it was Ryck and he didn't really like the other man, he still felt guilty. 

"Duo...." 

"I'm sorry, Ryck.... Aw fuck," Duo whispered and gave Ryck a half-hearted hug. "If he wouldn't find 'em, I'd ask for some blades...." 

"Are you going to be okay, Duo?" 

"I'm never going to be okay for the rest of my life, Ryck, but this is the best chance I have." 

Ryck nodded as he sat down on the other bed. 

"Okay.... Want any drugs before you go?" 

Duo shook his head. "He wants me to stop smoking." 

"Oh...." 

"Thanks, though." 

Ryck nodded as he watched Duo move each possession into a box. 

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. 

Ryck answered it. 

"Oh," Ryck took a step back, stunned. "Heero?" 

Heero nodded at him and looked over his shoulder to see Duo standing behind him and gave a small smile. 

"You two--?" 

Duo gave Heero a brief hug and quick kiss as Heero offered his help. 

"I guess I'll be seeing you then, Ryck?" Duo asked as Heero came back after loading the last box. Heero grabbed his hand and watched Ryck warily. 

"Sure.... If you still wanna hang out some time...." 

"Of course," Duo replied, wrapping his free arm around his neck and giving him a tight hug. "See ya." 

With that, they left, Heero immediately wrapping his arm tight around Duo's waist as the door shut. 

"What was with him?" he asked. 

"He's in love with me, Heero, be a little more sympathetic, won't you?" 

"You never had sex with him, did you?" 

"Why?" Duo shot back, becoming annoyed. Heero didn't have any right to tell him who he could and couldn't have sex with before they even knew each other! 

"Doesn't he have AIDS?" 

"Dude! No! We've always gotten our tests at the same time. I always knew his were negative and so were mine," Duo growled indignetantly. 

"Okay, I believe you, love. I was just concerned," Heero replied, kissing his cheek and opening the car door for him. "I can't control the actions you made before we met, I wouldn't try. I would never want to have complete control of you. I have some respect for beauty." 

Duo smiled and remembered just why he loved Heero so much. 

"You know exactly what I'm thinking." 

"Of course," he replied, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. 

~TBC as the contest entry for April~ 

[1] My bitch (Karou-kun) once had jokes made about him that he was going out with his bass because he was so obsessed with playing. 

[2] Here I attempted to do a dream sequence, but, just no. No. 

[3] Hey, I felt bad for Wu. He didn't have enough 'air play'. (Okay, Tenshi convinced me I should put a Wufei scene in. Same difference.) 

[4] Yes, I know that was awfully rushed but what else was there to say? 

[5] Cheesy music phrases, I know. 

[6] This guy in my math class suggested all humanity run around naked and I replied "what if you find out that everyone is bigger than you?" The look on his face...priceless. 

[7] Another math-time tale.


End file.
